120621 04:47 Serene never indifferent

I am neither profound nor profane but somewhere either between or utterly other or merely myself as infantile and equally ancient more nearly of or as God whom I dearly clearly willfully more nearly would love as always more and other than my self.

as I play with myself prayerfully as in a sandbox filled with building blocks lettered laughing out loud the conjunctions and configurations random that spell love a word whose meaning can be defined in manifold ways to suit the utterer

irreverent superfluous scandalous I regard all others especially those radically different from myself as equally grand and divine as defined in Eden's garden wherein being the southern area of Africa no whities need apply creation begun they were most assuredly have been black while I am white and by this I see God Adam & Eve & of course the Snake all black so I am irrelevant or at the very least lesser somehow in the darkness of history

Thus or so it must not in conjecture have been Jesus naked as the day he was born crucified in the end sans diaper voiding and excreting himself as I would will when I die when born yet again or merely once I cling to his horny nailed cold dead feet weeping then as now in terminal grief His leaving me motley Chameleon becoming all the colors of the cosmos merging heaven with hell is not birth life death one continuity no part to be despised while He of course remains Something Else a womanly man all faculties equally combined a paean to Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer with a nod to St. Francis in a tutu. 

I can change nothing but myself yet would argue the right to ask or tell the words “God, grant me” to “God thank you for” the serenity. . . .Amen in these final days of my self and us and all things created large and small following thee more nearly now once celebrated now mourned have You forsaken us? Me thinks we forsake ourselves.

Why oh why can you see me now apologetic and fecal minded as those who purport to serve us scatocephalic the politicians stupefaction of all parties concerned is astonishing What was once noble in conception has become merely dominance by the few of the many Yet true of all institutions from revolutions inevitable death ensues the stewards become fools in their vanity pretending to be God among men the vortex of vanity a maelstrom of greed selfishness grown gigantic The only divine right is life itself and free will to become whole if not holy I am a man weeping become beware of me the patience of a parent whose child died uselessly either from chance choice or disease . . . once whole returned in pieces or never more to be seen at the behest of idealogues My intention is evolutionary not revolution but becoming ever clearer Knowing your vanity will eventually slay you not me.

Be well and pursue your Self to its inevitable end redeemed or forever damned not by me since I stand foolish before the same Judge as you All are equally beloved and in choice must accept the accountancy Karma is choice not chance

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Reinhold_Niebuhr

120620 00:43

Rage the most petty of passions is for me a literary device; a mining of past events seen differently from current perspectives fluid shaken not stirred steered & consumed.

I think now what drove my mother to heights of insane behavior was retrospectively my unblinking dispassionate analysis. What in former times I thought intuitive sensing her near the point of killing me defenseless. Tears or complaint the fatal trigger.

My father died a few years ago. Mother predeceased him by some fifteen years; long divorced after 27 years of marriage. I'd taken to inquisition his sense of truth about all things family tiny & immense in previous times when together. The parameters of my quest far ranging definitions deep expectation explicit. We'd become friends at last before his final day . . . when he called to say goodbye then died. He 92, I something like 67 I misremember the age and time irrelevant the calm sincerity of saying, “I'll miss you dad . . . “ Then silence--he'd disconnected. 

 

Then I wept as I weep now for the love remembered always sought never expressed but at the final moment realized now; only a friend calls to say goodbye before the final leave taking and no “see you later” possible.

Now even now I weeping realize that the greatest lover of all what we call God who is a friend too. Death in this moment instantly resurrected different remembering I have no right to be alive; so often mangled drown slandered and crushed.

Yet I live why?

We are mere clay recycled endlessly by the Potter who taking the cracked cup mended or shards may at times merely return us to clay or dust for water is required otherwise return the spinning wheel.

The cosmos?

Vincent's Starry Starry Night a window to infinity beyond the fire trees writhing over the village if only seen the eyes of Glory & the Eyes of God seeking seeing us.

To forgive is not to forget but to remember differently creating the world we wish to inhabit as incarnated by us . . . and now more so now and growing I am forgiven my anger and rage toward my mom & dad & our Mother/Father parents of everything.

. . . the Who is no treacly yes to everything we wish for knowing no for now or forever is better at times. How could I know this only now since having ridden the Dragon of My Rage reaching high and low the height width breadth infinite length knowing the origin of my fear and terror redeemed & for me & for us all God is no mere word upon the flesh of dead trees ink or dancing serifs upon either in actuality not a name but a presence and we being binary must say yes or no

Should I leave you now for real this moment silent eternally I will still sing in reply to the love notes of/from God through other hearts and souls conscious God & Heaven within us.

My truth & troth

amen.

Goodbye friend be well do no harm be kind to all others

beginning best blest with your self/soul/consciousness.

. . . in reply to a comment by irene carol sznobersznober # Sunday, June 17, 2012 5:55:34 AM

120618 23:29

Confessions:

or Oh Jesus where are you when we need you & Lord Acton?

I have always been fascinated by divination especially numbers. Regarding periodicity: times of awakening; seasons cycles of the moon & solstice; on and on. By this measure I discovered awakening annually at Easter and dying at Advent with that long dark period relieved only by Epiphany; an experiential otherwise psychic, allegorical, 'death' between.

Seasonal Affect?

Maybe – maybe not.

Possibly It seems to have evaporated since moving South and West. Remarkably so in New Mexico. Something primal, not atavistic, before time was created; a sense of resources beyond definition.

And Yes.

Oh YES.

Enchanting.

Of course.

Enchantment the land itself.

Then too, discovered, what was only hinted at during all the years from birth leading to hospice service: a lust for all women, all ages, decidedly hetero not homo, but not exclusively sexual in attraction either. A seeing the generation of them from back to front, crone to infant and lubricious teen in heat. Another way of articulating the same issue would be to express it as a hard-on for equality?

And with age, at Jung's suggestion, the boundaries between genders blur returning to our minor gender differences as in childhood. The unknown at conception.

Again, with Jung's description, or conjecture, I've begun to sense in my – quintessentially bliss filled solitude – a balance between female/male identity desirable in my model of wholeness/holiness is as Jesus 1^st as man not God. Fully rooted in my time all Prophets of The Numinous become nearly equal or equivalent. Always personal seeming of equal grandeur. About whom I sometimes, in some cases, just for the fun of it say: “The What, That Which, The Who, The ALL. To whom or what I submit my self soul consciousness . . . what I live and die for. The whole why of anything&everything. . . The always Other: of many many names.

To finish the thought beginning this string, it seems that the wholeness of Jesus was equally present in others before during and after and still is right now.

Possibly pompous, supercilious, pretentious and superfluous. Exactly what I adore/despise in politicians . . . If I may be so bold it seems now so close this death I will actually die. . . .That I wick the genius of God in all things and people. & I would call no person evil or lacking the Holy.

Being a White Boy, nominally religious, once-a-Protestant, in love with God, who grew to a modicum of maturity in two differing places – one humble the other obscenely pretentious -- I represent a unique witness concocting a weird vision/version of life in this America or These United States Of and/or upon a contiguous land mass artificially divided by boundaries meaning nothing to me stretching from pole to pole . . . astonishing really.

And for now here astraddle the spine of creation primaeval before the before of BCE the Man, the soul, the Self whom I have adored since dropping from my mothers womb, maybe even before that laborious delivery some fifty-eight-hours in dry delivery. So she said when I asked. The BC AD or is it AC/DC? Who knows it seems now all so arbitrary being there really is no time in God.

The ideal of Him as Prophet adored or at the very least accounted for in most of the world except the many who predated Him like Buddha and Confucius. For the what whom I would argue auguring arguing, all three apparently, of course, into the whatever shallow depths of my psyche would speculate and conjecture that it was the consciousness of God and not being the Actual Factual Reality or Realization that we call 'god' manifest.

But that was then this is now.

I really love playing in this sandbox with God receiving “Love Notes” from Him/Her implied/inferred or expressed through others of any gender or gender proclivities colors creeds yada yada yada blah blah blah -- daba do/dodo across all time before language was a glimmer in God's eyes. See: They’re no good, the lot of them—Yaddeyahdah—They're animals! —Lenny Bruce

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Yes. The model presented either by The Meyers-Briggs or The Enneagram suggests that Jesus was/is perfectly equal in: Thinking, Intuition, Sensing, Feeling. In no particular order or hierarchy = wholeness, integration or what we deem 'Holiness' period. Just to be transparent I mashup those qualities in equal measure with mercy, kindness, empathy and on and on = infinity.

How in Heavens Name did we get to destroying all life?

And the fecal headed/minded, or merely scatocephalic, members having congress with themselves and their pimp patron/sponsors; have managed to cripple the only real free venue and forum of education available to all the people of the world – THE INTERNET -- for the benefit of merchants of the new pornography: violence. Or merely: “Might is right”

What is that really like for me?

It would be a middle aged white mother driving an gigantic sized vanity mobile, merely a ¾ ton truck called a Sports Utility Vehicle, making me a quadriplegic while driving and texting or maybe sexting on her way to get new batteries for her vibrator . . . Somewhat akin to a Vietnam helicopter pilot I know of, not well but about, who leg and armless since the grand in vain and vanity event – maybe why Kennedy was assassinated because either he wanted to 'pull out' coitus rhythm method for the Industry of not healing but exclusively of Death or Johnson did it? Texas that grand and wonderful secessionist inclined progenitor of weird fruits and economic failures something in the absence of water to be sure the lunatic fundamentalism rewriting science for their historic revisionist pleasure. Self-fulfilling prophecies profits of "Death is not the worst that can happen to men.” --Plato and saying gee I'm sorry really doesn't cut it.

(a reprise, can I teach you nothing angelic women? 'Men or man' is generic for now for people whose souls are neither on or the other all Angels are merely that sexless despite the promise of walking upon the nubile breasts promised in The Koran)

If we focus on inspiration versus conspiracy and/or give the lesser part, maybe just ten percent dedicated to saving lives instead of destroying them things might be a bit more pleasant in the fewer than two hundred years left the human race. Exxon would disagree of course what Rockefeller wrought so long ago the robber baron resurrected.

I no longer wonder why shit head is synonymous with politician.

I have a family of friends for whom I do not speak but in passing check these things out of which I speak through informal polls, interviews and/or inquisitions covert but effective nonetheless. To a person they and or we who deal with inevitable things, namely death, think similarly. Zero esteem for what is laughable, this carnival freak show called Democracy, but experimentally is Free Market Socialism for the wealthy; we pay they win. We have less they have more and always more since they are gaming (think weird accounting and cooking the books) this 'democracy' they are addicted to money. And in their fancy prancing naked greed have collapsed the World Economy too.

I actually don't care a fig or mustard seed for the political issues I've outlined. By no means definitively. Since I've only begun to redefine “In God We Trust”

In any or all cases We The People need begin to govern ourselves, think Free Will, then to collectively bargain for our freedom from tyranny. What we have now, in my opinion, is slavery plummeting in a grocery cart into the abyss . . . 'Make Mary/Merry, have some fruit of the vine'? I don't think so, the hangover is terminal for all of us.

In closing @ 06:28 I remember W. C. Fields comment on definition and names:

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

. . . I can be, at times, irreverent and rudely salacious now imagining the unkind who occupy Washington D.C. A closed closeted retort of vanity indifferent to reality lacking any empathy collectively psychotic with my arrows rubber cupped quivering upon their foreheads thinking/saying; “kill the son-of-a-bitch.” . . . but I flatter myself as a would be sacrifice to end the World killing, I'll probably die in old age quickly or slowly as Buddha and Mohammad did.

Definitions matter, the difference between a vibrator and a dildo is the first is self-propelled the latter is manual lacking any other energy than . . . oh well swell . . . the SUV driver could equally be a guy on his way to get another bigger rectal probe more likely with a suction cup for wall mounting. No batteries required.

Unconscionably rude? Yes I confess. But these people who purport to serve us are really a flock of wankers in smoke filled back rooms having unspeakable pleasure with our future and current tax dollars not to mention our kids and theirs our 'enemies' mutilated by THE SCHOOL OF TERRORISM or merely Free Market Capitalism gone completely insane naturally.

120617 08:38

absent empathy, compassion, forgiveness, mercy life would be intolerable
there is not enough of eternity nor heart beats in infinity so there must be
Heaven for all of us Predator & Prey the Sslain & Slayers too Forgiveness is
strength beyond and above all human measure whatever is Heaven for beyond
our reach but within us Here & Now

Once a politician always a whore for the price of any trick paying their reelection price remaining in the Self Congratulatory Country Club of Acclaim/Fame/Obscene Wealth this is our principal export to all the world who should be appalled -- Congress having congress with itself, us and their pimps . . . and now the World & Life leaving us extinct.

Measure for measure i judge myself with equal if not greater severity
leaving god out of the equation for the moment let us remember Donne
what happens to one happens to all and the bell tolls for us this anxious time
all die but in dying will they remember they never lived?

In a chance passing remark I noted that there were more women then men volunteers
at hospice service to which She replied; "Men have little or no compassion or empathy. Some can learn but few do.

Then I recalled the men I served who remarked with obvious curiosity, "You're a volunteer here?!"
Humiliated by the manifold gifts bestowed by those about to leave this mortal coil I am usually
shy about mentioning my covenantal communion with those one-and-all who serve as well and better than I. It is a privilege to serve for which I sense I could be kicked to the curb at/for anything at all reasons. Least of which are these humble words speaking of not only Our but All Fearless Leaders World Wide whose vanity is crushing us and our nest this pretty blue planet we call home for now.

& Yes, of course, it was She who suggested that I serve knowing me better than I knew or know myself now always in her eclipse. I frantically attempt to grow as with The Author of All Creation's Love to contain not drown.

It is a call and response sort of relationship wherein are found these 'love notes' all the time now not coincidence or synchronicity but such events obvious to me:

“You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it.”  --Samuel Butler (Author)

120618 00:42

for me for now forever more who knows it seems as if retrospectively I've avoided in disbelief the now obvious It is not so much avoiding the responsibility of acceptance or deflection so much as it is my longing that we starting with my family of origin then by marriage and in those losses all others who suffer Altruistic perhaps but sincere for now forever

Recently I heard poetry described as about what was not rather than what was accomplished fact. Reality insistent the guts of life is not so much what happens to us as much as what we happen to life; call & response. & Life is its own reward ending in death to arise again?

Simple?

Of course and that it took me nearly 72 years to realize it's reality, well that doesn't qualify it as wonderful or valuable but it to me; maturity.

"It is the manner of gods and prophets to begin: "Thou shalt have none other God or Prophet but me." If I were to start as a God or a prophet I think I should take the line: "Thou shalt not believe in me. Thou shalt not have me for a God. Thou shalt worship any d_____d thing thou likest except me." This should be my first and great commandment, and my second should be like unto it."
                          --Samuel Butler's Notebooks (1912) self censored "d_____d" in original publication.

I found the two Samuel Butler quotes today. It could be argued -- a betrayal of my actual mashup mind coldly analytical, objective, and mystical, ecstatic -- that the finding preceded the response. Actually it is the other way round. And THAT, in all times past, terrified me. I ran away. But you simply cannot run away from the Source. Many attempt it but all who do are addicted to some sort of crippling alternative; greed comes to mind, cocaine, and on and so on.

I am unfit for human cohabitation with anyone; it is nearly impossible with Annie; my companion and a cat at that. No Hat:) & to be with The Source I would give my meager sanity, eyes, ears, sensuality all that defines me at this and all moments before.

Politicians adore secrecy since it allows them license to dick us around kill our children steal our homes and our very own lives. Where they Kings or Popes they'd say it was divinely bestowed authority.

BS!

I am "inappropriately" self-revelatory not because I am mentally ill but simply in that there is so little time left for me, for you, for us as a species. My disappointment with the former administration their being in bed with Exxon and so on is at times reason enough for me to long for retaliation. That old saw: An eye for an eye didn't work then and won't work now. As it seems JC & The Source implied Love is the only alternative. And in love we forgive one another forgiving ourselves for even considering the alternatives I am aware of.

Transparency is desirable, the only modality of healing. Honesty, or as they say in AA, "you're no better than the secrets you keep." By inference/implication yourself and all others.

Helpless with laughter I'm recalling "THE SHADOW KNOWS" a serial radio program popular in my youth. Sincerely THE SOURCE knows and being God is vastly more forgiving than I ever can be.

Merciful. Period. . . . and never made slaves of anyone as Mr. Butler so succinctly details.

120618 01:43 final

120617 02:16

    at this moment I am conscious of tectonic shifts creating tsunamis circling my world meeting in the middle reaching beyond the sky a new heaven in life or merely chaos

    without shame I will share with you that I have a friend with whom I make love over Formica tables in public and to her I owe eternal gratitude for which she has never required & i alike King David in my candidly naked strut enter Jerusalem the City of Peace a light in the blight surrounding all love in Her presence

    I wonder will she or will she not read this never seeing this or those thoughts of adoration expended buried within the miles of journal keeping since we first met? In some idle chit chat mostly mine she listens silently holding me in the emerald green gaze hypnotically regarding me unknowing wisdom or foolishness proclaiming whatnot And in those rare proclamations of hers I am slain and instantly resurrected anew Our Father's House has many mansions each better than the last small death to pay the entrance of

    Me thinks the Lady doth protest too much my song of thanksgiving hymns of praise and paeans for her ignored in childhood as i was & in times at the opportunities told she demurs proclaiming essentially humiliation that I should love her as I do will always continually each unaccustomed to being seen so glorious or seen at all noted by anyone or thing.

    She not mine but for all others The Lady of The Lake Indifference arisen placing a sceptered sword in my hands to winnow the chaff of indifference in others to themselves

    I did not intend this spontaneous applause rather it was to help others as she has helped me to come fully alive released from my grave an endless grief unlived life a rut more a mole beneath and mute deaf and blind

    Expiated atoned distilled and extruded what came before (unpublished) I can now move right along  penitent

    I no longer mourn a lack of education as is currently or then in childhood defined vocational in nature in itself slavery to a system of governance by the rich to exploit the poor and the beating goes on and on ad nauseam  I give glory laud and honor to all especially The Author of All Things yet do I decry the nakedness of Emperors sans clothes spastically writhing publicly in political proclamations about promises never to keep simply to REMAIN IN CHARGE of a ship of fools headed for perdition Exporting not democracy but graft greed poisoned food air water waste of life to fuel obscenities: competitive gamesmanship inglorious

    To this end did i start compelled to seek sanity in a time of blackest grief anxiety and endlessly contemplated suicide Taught to be a buffoon a clown for my future despised I began to read what I wrote listening to a self emergent discovered a Soul/Consciousness & the potential of self-healing available to all humanity lest the hack whore politicians censor it more the Internet the most promising venue yet

    Therein found a collective wisdom free for the looking seeing seeking a reason to live and a reason to die for A purpose for all conjoined participating in the live fully lived not merely survived or endured in desperate silence

    I advocate for us not an institutional governance or religion but a consensus that we can live free in love making Love not War the standard of consciousness considered

    As evidenced by all that I've written through the years, months, days this moment I sense integration possible Though barely able to govern myself I seek a potential of ethic and moral choice some would call Karma mindfulness neither dystrophic or utopia but something self governing that we can all live with and with one another

    Free Will never implied a license to Murder

    Elton Trueblood, Tricky Dickey's speech writer, coined the phrase “lunatic fringe fundamentalist!” I can hear their howls and frothing desire to bludgeon what I've written and myself as of/the Anti-Christ, Socialist yak yak Yawn so what's new in La La Land?

    My conviction is that rote learning is idolatry not thinking fluid and relevant to our current reality and truths. To me the Bible, as all Wisdom Books, are owner's manuals: Do this when that breaks and get on with it. Loving life freely allowing others their choices.

    While not part of the 'training' for hospice service I have become accustomed to expect instant death as part and parcel of life Therefore each and every moment is precious beyond measure. And of/for The Lady of the Lake Indifference I when parting know it may well be the last time by either election accident design or choice. The degree and kind of my love for her as for all others knows no limits it is my choice and nature infinite.

    “Good, Better, Best” are mercantile considerations having nothing to do with pragmatic truth. If we do not get “on the same page” whether Koran, Koan, Talmud, Bible Old & New Testament, The Tibetan Book of the Dead or the manifold others there may be no Book no People no World as we know and love it alive left.

    Do no harm – works for me. www.alanclements.com

120615 12:03

We who live lives in our minds hearts consciousness unified eventually succumb to the Creator of the creator in us Finally seduced irrevocably by loving attention and kindness we die in obscurity and at times perchance to be discovered self aborted then prized as The Caged Birds who sang retrospectively now awarded obscenely by those whose only creation was greed hoarded everything except a self bereft of a live lived for others creativity so joyous that lives endlessly martyred would arise from death endlessly resurrected to do it again for joy the agony of love and divinity of these moments of silence in which God speaks to us.

Divinity must in some sense look like me lusting for the young mother whose beauty is astonishing, the child begot, the mother of the begotten, and the begetter all vessel who in origin three dolls within dolls not wooden but whole fecund lubricious flesh and then I recognize myself as both a lusty old goat and one who would give his eyes, mind, sexuality, everything for them to be well.

Generous?

Perhaps but the words come easily the death actual painfully bereft finally forsaken in departure choose to affirm the divinity of those left behind to carry on and on in life or living death?

To posit a thesis in the sanctuary of your Self and falling exhausted have it answered in such exquisite explosive logic is had I were I otherwise would terrify previously yet it did/done time and again when I fell humiliated into my personal well of hell again to climb to die so many times & be resurrected is to know in death the true value of life lived in nearly any mean or measure still a treasure but it is Okay to die Life has become unlivable the world pillaged, looted, burned and raped for the benefit for a few. Those friends of mine are no fiends or candidates for exorcism so I pity them their self abortion not by election but genetic The inability to have merciful compassion or empathy to slake their greed so obscenely demonstrated serial masturbation rape execution of life indiscriminate endlessly reprised rehearsed their audience fellow addicts no end in sight.

Fight Club?

Congress having congress with itself contemptuous a carnival freak show to call them whores is to applaud them since whores perform useful functions noble in fact and deed so call the daily news a circle jerk with a few little girls giggling on the side lines.

We will be known for the number of Strange Fruit we've slain through our celebrated perversions powerfully displayed Frank Buck with his shoe upon the Elephant

I wish the Native Americans had had the Big One to counter the Mayflower.

&/or habeas corpus vacated.

Perhaps maybe maybe not the practice of aborting the family and fortune of those caught in crimes against mankind free market capitalism socialism for the Rich & Famous unspeakable acts against nature should be expunged forward and backward their gene pool eradicated as I'm informed was once practiced in old Rome and then by the KGB. To invoke or provoke such harsh strident extreme measures would give me no slack since I'd be the first taken by what Judge? God? No I trust God's mercy for my follies and circus acts as I must yours.

. . . times they are a changing and we're blowing in the wind

We were never told by Our or Their wisdom book authored by god? To stay snug in Safe Harbor as a ship of fools or an ark of the New Covenant we must sail on until there is freedom for all. We are One body a corpus of divinity not criminals.

120615 06:33

love notes

between

the

numinous

&

i

dare

I

publish

?

to love is to love forever

more

becoming love

in turn

for all

most of all for the Beloved

who loving us all

adores us

She is me
I am her
we are communion
with light
darkness ahead
holds no fear
we are hospice
we love all
others

amen