a fraud & hypocrite am I

Miles to travel by light years and in death more light years upon light years infinite. Curious about everything; the origin and meanings of love & life; all things inclusive; not just exclusive to God. 

I've spent so much time in transit: cars, walking, flying, boats/ships/yachts/dinghies; that I have come to sense myself in conveyance, when I fly commercially, on my way to Auschwitz. Add to which the Storm Troupers are now patrolling the isles. Regardless of style or class it's all to the Gates of Hell i went and now go. Back and forth since infancy wiping away any sense of home across America; a windshield wiper in a hurricane I passed.  

A fraud & hypocrite I became in early youth pretending to be okay just to survive. It took decades and enormous effort to now be less a chameleon than I was the day before. By needs the Gates of Heaven are where we finally lose our ego and gender identifications. Like those days of yore; personal valuables piled before the showers gaseous discharge or the bodies starved and worked to death piled as cord word awaiting the crematoria. 

Crimes by my parents against me forgiven but never forgotten since to forget is not to see the rape of America. I have lists of those who stole my mother & grandmother's work for pennies per button or stitch. Plus my father's estate stolen or gift to my ass hole half brother. 

Like them Bankers are the bane of all recorded cupidity. Please, if curious look up: avarice, profit & loss, electronic elections; greed. My shit list of assholes grows daily and exponentially; inclusive of the usual suspects Stock Brokers/Speculators Politicians regardless of rank from the top down, either party . . . by any basis of comparison my hypocrisy and fraud are inconsequential.

My point is that the word ass hole can be spelled asshole meaning scatocephalic or asshat the current and future posture of the congress of baboons. Please include the Judiciary in the mix since The Great Black Stain and War Criminals Clinton and Bush now Obama have driven us suicidally more so into the arms of the collectivized and institutionalized thieves Incorporated the Banks Of America. 

Could it be that the Sanhedrin had no bitch about Jesus as/being related to God but balked at his crimping their Temple profits selling sacrifices and needed a really Big One for THE BIG SHOW?

Today I was informed by my doctor's office that they had prescriptions for me to pickup? It seems the shitwits in Santa Fa (The Medical Board) decided that it would be better for me to go there than use a telephone or fax machine; to drag my weary, broke, flabby ass to the doctor's office ignoring the possibility that I might have enormous difficulty economically (no car, bus to far to walk in this current heat, unable to hire a cab and so on and on and on). Oxymoronic isn't it (shit + wit) what wit? The should all die of AIDS slowly in agony crawling to the pharmacy please; a little justice here!?

See them smiling indifferent all dressed up awaiting the shower/oven combo too. 

Do you now understand a bit better why people go postal, berserk, running amok in theaters showing movies dedicated to empower/entertain the helpless & hopeless? Essentially people with no future regardless of political lies. This is a depression; depressing isn't it.

120829 19:29 fraud & hypocrite
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

confessions of a father

Like all men common by appearance he was complex without knowing his depths. Yet to me, his first son, was oddly confident of things more personal than, in retrospect, I'd wanted to know -- yet knowing is my nature: His ideation of suicide, at or near the time of my birth -- slightly before or afterwards. The illicit abortion of my sibling; gender unknown, who haunts my life in ways unknowable; plagued. The wife and mother of me who nearly bled to death, resulting the dismissal of an unwanted child; as I was soon too soon after birth to become aware myself; unwanted.

Understand me well, there are deaths by many measures, means and kinds, the unkindness of an abandoning indifferent parent is among the worst. 

This I know by confessions and conversations of others who intimately trusted me as their friend; their confidence sacred to me. By which I came to know myself curiously blest in ways previously oblivious; like for kind. To a child, though, then unknowing, presuming myself worthy of all slander, punishment, abandoning and worse: no right to be or live at all. Merely indulged; the antics of a stray pet given temporary shelter, a foster being unaccountable attribution to the keeper.

Indifferent he witnessed savage behavior and of those he did not see remained incredulous. As well mother would ask occasionally, why this, what was that about? Mute in reply, since it was my only defense to watch her closely, the turning from mere beating to murder . . 
. . . at times holding the glowing coals by hand for too long needs a block of ice to repair, remember those? Ice Boxes? . . . 

How old I've become expecting death at any and all turnings of time or events fatal implicit/explicit between mother and myself. And why? Oh Dear God! Do I persist in rowing the ice pick in my heart, mind and soul? My eyes memory bleeding instead of weeping.

For we the broken: PTSD & Co-Dependent legions of us crippled emotionally intoxicated with greed to be known and loved accepted as we are; the hidden self grown to maturity despised, if not beaten to death; merely road kill. . . .Cut apart buried with lime, in the cesspools of time; no monument required. More or better yet to be enslaved to a would-be god-like 'parent'/pimp who sadistically cuts, kicks, abuses and rents our bodies out for the use of others; perpetually scalded in hell forever longing to die. 

Sanguine knowing myself sanguinary: slaughterous of a murderous nature or in a murderous state of mind; bloodthirsty rage against injustice of any kind; especially against children already born. All children are of God; all definitions and at any age. 

A father bereft of children now I adopt all life as my family as does God . . . i have faith so for such, i'd be willing to live or die for . . . my dragon of rage, belching and farting fire is so difficult to restrain yet so tightly saddled and bridled . . . it is best that i simply walk away and leave my irritants whole; unconsumed & unscathed.

Be well; let it be in your life, to be so beloved of God and healed

Afterword 120829 15:33 beset with slow downs, no malfunctions found yet, on my alternative desktop, I've been researching 'sanguinary' to affirm my identification with being co-dependent for years now healed & a conviction that PTSD people are similar in origin; if not in whole -- at least partially. And could, in part, explain the behavior of those who 'choose' to slay, injure or maim others acting out in public what they could not elsewhere. Seeking attention to their needs?

120829  11:15 confessions of a father
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

all my days i've searched for love

who am I to descry yesterdays or tomorrows when our today is so filled with glory exceptional oh Lord forgive my wavering the expectations against tomorrow's needs when all my days have been so blest as this day your presence all the peace i know now and forever i love You so and rest for eternity all the days of infinity. Amen . . . a prayer for M all my days rejoice again i say rejoice

surely i did not write this but awoke it written on my heart all along all my days forever so blest again I say rejoice this near moon become my sun all the light all i'll need forever blest these days and nights and morrows What a day it was yesterday and now knowing love sincere actually everything else aside all my yesterdays have become my tomorrows rejoicing

i strolled outside the moon & stars greeted me and then I knew entitled 'all my days i've searched for love' & find meaning of 'third person omniscient' note: to myself this time again remember

then

"Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change. So suffering must become Love. That is the mystery." --Katherine Mansfield

"Human intellect is incurably abstract." --C. S. Lewis

"This sex thing. We never used to be hung up like this. Nature doesn't give little kids problems except when there's some king of an accident--like that eight-year-old South American girl that had a baby. 
But that's practically a mutation right? --Paul Zindel (Author born May 15th)

this day date time my iGoogle page on Chrome

120809 03:21 who am i
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved