Ego flatlined at birth

Ego flatlined at birth; or so I now sense looking back from beginning to near ending this life so rich i’ve lead. Wealth is a relative word but not relative to me as in a rich father who left me nothing but grief too long held barring no interest: zilch, zero, nada!?

Yet I adore my sweet beloved Impress Poverty now. Yet equally am bewildered why? No matter how I address the pig who begot me with the robes of nobility for this divine gift being impoverished i equally if not more so remember those others who equally stole my life as I knew it when inhabiting the same shelter; never a home or house; always theirs and I could not afford even then the rent emotionally.

Fleeing in terror of more lifelessness, or perchance destroying them instead of myself, I mourn to some extent the reference materials abandoned. Since I ran, essentially bereft and naked into the far horizon knowing not whence I went or why. The bonus of hindsight is now enormous since it implies a wealth or tuition beyond mortgage or usury. Naked, distraught, guilt by imagining, unable to afford either the transport or storage of all abandoned I denied receipt of it in any manor, way, shape or form.

True I had on occasion destroyed and/or abandoned all that was the persona former of my pretence, delusion, conceit that anything I’d done, including being born, was of any moment or measure treasure. Paltry evidence actionable of ambition to be something other than that which I was taught at birth; a life unworthy of itself.

So no ego need apply, convict or apprehend, since even now knowing in death: into the dumpster goes everything left including the ashes of my remains. It amuses me to think with one click I will be able to delete everything I’ve written.

It is not odd that I double lock both doors after strolling about the night near naked speaking, sometimes barking/crooning/howling quietly, at the moon. Lunatic? It is a sense of invasion by the gay property manager who wants by his pre-eviction notice, since stolen by breaking into my shelter, this small inconsequential cribe I temporarily inhabit insufficient to my need for room to sprawl all my current requirements to live at all. Homosexual rape is aggression and crime punishable by law; as is home invasion monthly. I know. I looked it up on the Internet and consulted two trusted advisors, friends, mentors; or those who should know by any other measure. Both used the same word: “invasive.” Once a year is enough, twice is odd but monthly is obscene -- my words not theirs plus a bit of soft shoe and adlib.

Seems reasonable to me, to say rapist and thief: regarding all politicians, bankers, stock brokers, speculators, Property Managers middlemen, scalpers -- worse Supreme Court Judges who proclaim by legal edict GREED IS GOOD AND TO BE CELEBRATED THE LAW AND COMMON PURPOSE OF ALL THOSE SELFISH WHITE BOYS WHO WANT TO EAT MY BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER having me abusively and sexually all-together-now: “Who's a rapist, Who's a thief, Who's a politician and Who's a servant of All?”.

Well, swell, moving right along. One can, or may, or both, recover from rape homosexual or otherwise yet the rape of one’s psyche is unforgivable. My “golden years” in declining health, no material wealth to speak of by compare to those who purport/pretend as con artist to represent our commonwealth: Public Servants of The People; who in their authority richly reward themselves with lifetime excellent health insurance and payment for doing nothing in perpetuity . . . small wonder I say in their presence as I’ve said all my working life: “S#!t Head!”

Inforceded, aggressive, authoritative rape and abuse in/of all sorts and conditions; reminds me of the thesis that I might be somewhat, if not actually, a reincarnation, or resurrection of St. John the Baptist. Maybe, in part minor; no insult intended. I remember well Salome seducing her father into beheading me, oh sugar, i mean Him that is St. John anything. KISS kiss my library card stupid.

Where once-upon-a-time I’d claim the greatest thing: sexual gratification, eclipsing learning to read. In celibacy I revert to the ongoing benefit of reading over nearly everything including the ability to innocently  proclaim the Emperor is naked with my clothes, home, car, education and medical care consumed for His delectation and amusement in perpetuity.

Not long ago I went to St. Andrew Episcopal Church seeking a faith community to celebrate and worship God in. Apparently the church secretary thought me too disreputable and curious, called the church sexton who with folded arms glowered while following me about compelling me to leave unmolested. However in the course of my wandering I sat in on a charitable activity: women sewing and/or knitting things for the poor. Stuck up a conversation with one leading to the revelation that her former husband also was a photojournalist capturing the Edward “Ted” Kennedy automobile sinking with the licence plate clearly visible a body, alive or dead, of a young woman whose life would otherwise be anonymous . . . I no longer find it odd that I am so lead to the core of myself by God.

I have as yet to find a faith community. Not even Mesilla Valley Hospice found me acceptable. Oddly I feel as though being flung under a passing bus was “fated” since I grow daily more in love and service to God. Wherever lead.

121009 05:36 ego flatlined
©2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved

God's love for all of us is:

Higgs-Boson particle “likes a joke and a drink” say scientists

121009 02:39 Comment by Yvonne Hand 2 hours ago

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WOW

In Reply:

"Christ said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you." And the Indians say that and the Zen people say that. We're all God. I'm not a god or the God, but we're all God and we're all potentially divine — and potentially evil. We all have everything within us and the Kingdom of Heaven is nigh and within us, and if you look hard enough you'll see it." --John Lennon

Validation is hard come by in an age of distortion, institutional corruption the science of psychology, advertising and the perversion of so many mere words. In reply with joyous gratitude to I use her praise to open this post.

To do anything creatively is to join God in Creation.

A simple statement with pregnant and fecund with potential. Since for me it implies and validates my thesis that ‘virgin birth’ is something we all are capable of.

Immediately my mind returns to the disappointment that I’ve yet to see the face of The Virgin Mary - The Mother of God.

Seen twice in dreams, of long duration. Not just the dreams themselves, but consequently seeing Her in all Women. Her face throughout; was in shadow; even while we swam breathing under water the great distance accomplished or apprehended. I am a man aware that as a male I am only 51% a male the remaining 49% is female.

The nature of my being: by nature, nurture and education; in this, our current culture. Is to be in symbiotic relationship with women to whom I am indiscriminately attracted.

It seemingly has taken me centuries to know within my core perceptions that while attracted to a comely woman I am now too well aware that the package, this body the soul wears, is indicative of nothing but the current aesthetic ideal. Attracted to African-American women or all women of ‘color,’ in the few or several instances of slaking this curiosity I’ve come to laughingly say; “Honey drink more black coffee you ain’t black/dark enough for me.”

In relationship with the Divine Ms. M, she of the emerald eyes; the Sphinx of near legend by my near constant reference in what I write rebuffed my attempts to pubish my love for her saying; but what about Annie (my female rescue cat companion)? In reply I listed God fist, myself second and then she in tie with The Virgin Mary and last obviously not least Annie. I could hear her mind churning over the telephone, silently saying; “Oh Dear! what will I do with this man? To those who see us together it is in general thought we are married, or lovers, or something more than friends.

Sex is sex, birds and bees do it. As well as dogs, cats and dragonflies without shame or guilt publically.

It follows that I so love M, that; as the Sufis say of God and Lucifer, a ‘fallen’ angel, God’s “BE GONE!” was interpreted by Lucifer to be God’s final word and sulked in Hell forever since. Let it be so unto or by me in regard to her.

We the Children of God would need no laws save for our avoidance of responsibility for our choices. At the moment I am thinking of the Quaker practice of never placing their hand upon the Bible to swear sincerity but by refusal imply; “My word is my bond.” If that is unacceptable then your proceedings are equally unacceptable by me.

"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."

"The unknown is what it is. And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that.... Accept that it's unknown, and it's plain sailing."
“When somebody is angry with us, we draw a halo around his or her head, in our minds. Does the person stop being angry then? Well, we don't know! We know, though, that when we draw a halo around a person, suddenly the person starts to look like an angel to us.”

. . . “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” --John Lennon

MandM legend between she and I, we confessed to one another that we married initially because we thought it expected of us and discovered soon afterward the covenant a immurement from which we, by the nature of our bond would, in her words from her generation; “You made your bed now lay in it!” That is intimacy and sex is merely one facet of love.

Typical of women, of a certain age and experience, they are burnt offerings their sacrifice ignored eventually.

“Each of these castles of stone and each wooden hut has its structure of fixed ideas or flimsy, ill-based opinions superposed above it within which fools stay immured, but the wise find apertures for escape.” --Marguerite Yourcenar

"Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely." --Anonymous

Celibacy is implicit in that when one has a relationship with God; what need is there of another 24/7/365 or /366 on leap years? Yet for me, M turns me everyway but loose! In life and death I am loyal to her as to Her The Virgin Mary the Mother of God. also know as “Our Lady of Guadalupe.”

“Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is friendship.” --Epictetus

©2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved