live if not for yourself . . . 

live seeking love for others . . . 
love being it's own reward amplified in return innocently given

To love and be loved in return more nearly as that love between a companion pet and person is possibly better a description of God's love for us. 

Though suicide is the last noble right 
to establish fleetingly the passage from night to nigh 
the light no longer desired or inimical. I would ask that you take my love with you into infinity which being now is equal is also a part of eternity. Beloved or not. And know my love until your meet the Beloved who will receive you then.

Too many friends from childhood until now stretching beyond now have left me behind bewildered.

Hold now before you go a while longer know that not only i but The All loves you forever whatever your choice with a love unconditional.

120806 19:41
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

120806 1021 seek
. . . seek and ye shall find, ask and it will given unto you . . .

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear." - Buddha

I’ve been casting about to discern a path forward -- or -- backward. Stepping forward simply out of the prospect: "To save one life is to save the Universe" - Jewish - and not for myself but for others to remain another minute hour or day.

Regardless of source, the issue of pain and suffering being optional, is anonymous yet affirmed by M who should know and does. Yet equally we discuss issues of truth and honesty within what is now across the board; for profit. I don't think she has much faith in the Meyer's Briggs or Enneagram system of personality; I do. Regardless we both seem to agree that medical care has become a humiliating and expensive proposition and of lower class than available in the rest of the 'civilized' world. That said we are now a Third World population owned by China & Saudi Arabia. Why lie to ourselves?

Add to which we are bankrupt our Social Security vacated by those who gave favors to constituents expecting our economy to forever grow while the, by 'divine right of Kings,' corporations sent all our jobs off shore and by them alone by all who gambled, myself included, expected the collective wisdom of our leadership to do something besides accept graft.

I digress. The issue is no longer to adapt, improvise and prevail -- but now -- adapt, improvise and attempt to survive the murderous greed I see ruling the world currently. But that, of course is the norm, has been and will always be. I know myself imperfect yet the rulers of the world are merely psychotic fabricating laws to excuse their selfishness. The best word for it is hoarding. A devise invoked by those of no faith or empathy and by nature not only selfish but grotesque.

Perhaps there's a bit of fight left in this old dog?

I remain bemused by my sense of what Social Media has become: "Look at me! I exist and therefore am important." Slaves to the affirmation of others; the most crippling of the lame. Worse the merchants have flocked to it and made another sewer of lies. And then to add insult to injury they censor our access to alternative modes and venues of learning by insisting that we not violate their insistence that the world needs entertaining extravaganzas of violence . . . expect more of that to pollute the minds of those who seek affirmation and not freedom or independence.

It could be that the person who caused Aurora was desirous of being caught simply to know some truth about himself? Chaos begets chaos = what goes around comes around versus do unto others what you would have them do to you.

Anything and everything I say in judgement or ridicule have I been myself. Remaining so stamping it out as quickly as I discover myself becoming the enemy I otherwise would seek to make aware of their folly.

Love attracts people. When we are together, always publicly, the wait staff and random strangers are attracted to us for our attention. I have chosen celibacy simply for having confessed a desire to make love with a woman before I die, now, today, or for such little time left on my biological clock. When affirmed my sentiment was the first sincere incident of my now nearly locked irrevocable choice. True love will always manifest in reverence for the freedom of choice -- not definitive but close enough for now.

Be well beloved of me, you all, for in life or death I will always be with or for you in prayer.

. . . you do know that prayer works?

© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

120806 06:59 suicide

To confess a lifetime study of ending life, mine and others, I find myself disingenuous regarding the option to flee from those whose treatment of me defined my self in ways inimical. Upon closer examination I am ashamed that I did not then confess the option of suicide.  Instead I ran away or destroyed my work: all of it, written, painted, whatever you can imagine. Plus reference materials that I sourly miss and music and movies collected over my lifetime. I have a fantastic memory and can recall at will many things, people, places, events in detail without rationalization. So I enter the museum of my mind easily now avoiding the mirror maze of expectations by those I loved -- and still do in prayer.

The expurgation of my work, nothing particularly notable, save for sentimental value. The writing of this forces entry into my very unsentimental mind regarding myself and others I depended on, God Like -- or so I then surmised, to lend me some sense that I was worthy of life. Never happened through no explicit fault to those I sought meaning from but, perhaps, a combination of their indifference to them selves or me and my refusal to trust.

It is obvious to me, and should be by now to y0u, if you read anything I’ve written, that I love God. I would define that neither religious or spiritual since the experience is greater than the ideals of others regardless of their authority. I am neither proud nor indifferent to your esteem but merely astonished that -- at least at my newly discovered and now favorite Blog site: http://culturalbook.com/ receive prescient sentient and loving acceptance filled with valuable insights from literate people.

I have attempted suicide by many differing methods; none successful save in erasing, mostly, any record of my ever having been alive. This is now very different. My malevolent self trashing begun at or around the age of twenty eight, smoking cigarettes, in earnest; faulty expensive and foolish. Given that while both parents smoked, dad quit long before a five week long coma induced by COPD and mom’s death was caused by plaque loosened randomly or by a coughing fit blocking the flow of blood to her head; death was instantaneous.

Statistically anyone having their heart tampered with has a life expectancy of another five years. I could be wrong but I distrust and have no faith in the entire medical profession since with rare exception they are now “For Profit” making them, in my eyes -- like all politicians --whores. A gross and obscene generalization and only my personal opinion thus totally irrelevant. However my five years are up or nearly so.

Out of respect for hospice and since I committed myself on a scheduled basis I notified them that until further notice I would be unable to fulfill my, not obligation but the greatest joy I’ve ever known. The volunteer supervisor called and after my usual pompous and supercilious detailed & inappropriate self revelation she mentioned that pain is often a cause of greatly accelerated blood pressure.

I remain unconvinced whether to seek further medial attention or simply die. Not caring who cares or cares not. Not even God. Not exactly a suicide note but merely a plea that you love and care for yourself regardless of my choice. The reality, to me, of God is silent now and like Jesus or actually unlike Jesus I refuse to ask “Have you forsaken me?” As indicated dissension is a right to be taken from us by no one and the right to die should always be not a privilege but a right. After all we never ask to be born.

© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

PTSD/Co-dependents Anonymous is:

When Buddha was on his death bed he noticed his young disciple Anan was weeping.
'Why are you weeping, Anan?' he asked.
'Because the light of the world is about to be extinguished and we will be in darkness.'
The Buddha summoned up all his remaining energy and spoke what were to be his final words on earth:
'Anan, Anan, be a light unto yourself.'

Buddhist Scripture
http://www.inspirationpeak.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?search=buddha

PTSD IS:

"If you have been sunned through and through like an apricot on a wall from your earliest days, you are oversensitive to any withdrawal of heat."

"There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone."

--Margot Asquith

120826 00:15 reverence for the ordinary

I have always given inordinate reverence to women. And knowing this have been reluctant to enter sexual congress knowing how easily I am consumed by loyalty, not for submission to their sexual attraction, so much as my willingness to be their slave. By whatever means or measures do I now enter what I consider my final and fatal phase of celibacy. Well aware the inevitability of flagging interest &/or ability but merely the grandeur of no longer desiring their bodies but their magnificent souls.

It is amusing, my history of submission to the glory of matriarchy. A young lion amongst the horde of Lionesses who with amusement at my desire and praise would take a few moments to love me as a person not a beast.

My cycles of rest and activity grow increasingly erratic. It would be vainglorious to imply it is God who awakens me. Or that the engine of my perpetual prayer is twilling in light or darkness, yet it is since I awoke thinking of Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley. Men I greatly admire. Recently I took time to give my attention to Terry Gross who replayed an interview with Gore in homage for his recent demise.

I was astonished to acknowledge his and Buckely’s parentage were political. Then to acknowledge my favor for Buckley who it now seems was a prig sexually which somewhat lessens his place in my pantheon of brilliance.

I am no longer in the closet regarding my analytical proclivities. Seeing my penchants as merely a facet of my self and not perverse even if unsolicited.

M disappears behind a cloud of dismissal when I express my political views. Which have by this post obviously changed especially when I transit my native American self who essentially says I wish the Mayflower et all had been stranded upon Atlantis and they perished there. I am no longer of any race or gender and ashamed to have a pale face,

God or Creation itself created the two genders and those in between else why so many fruitful or merely fruits multiplied extensively? Mr. Vidal obviously won that debate since his candor included the hypothetical of anal intercourse between men and women in Europe and not an exclusive practice between men.

Oral sex was instituted by women as the original contraceptive.

In a jocular snarky sense, if we are concerned about the burgeoning population it would slow to a creep by giving televisions and requisite electricity to run them to every living person. Of course the programing would, of needs, include sexual education. An activity, in and of itself, depicted in motion or still imagery, is actually too repetitive to be amusing for long. And by removing the taboo aspect sex would find a natural an meaningful balance. Men of any endowment are generally savage and boringly aggressive while woman make love with languor and adoration inconceivable to little boy’s impatience.

As I continue to explore the heart of darkness regarding my love affair with either my mother or M I discover better the nature of love and the best part of women; what lies between their ears not their thighs or chests.

By this overlong introduction I will now share my dismay with what passes for entertainment provided by commercial television and motion pictures in general. Both have become sewers of lies dominated by violence and in consequence life is no longer real but an abstract game or competition of no meaning who can destroy what with how much of a bang or silently. This is the entertainment of helpless people unable to express their terror of what is actually happening -- merely the truth.

If however instead of televisions we made available computers with appropriate connection uncensored by asshole politicians bought and paid for by the actual governance of the world, Corporations, then we might have a chance of survival as a species on this once glorious planet.

If I use the analogy of sewer for delivery of fear, manipulation toward consumption of things not only unnecessary nor manufactured in The United States. Or for the herding of lemmings over the manufactured entertainment of the rich; we fighting their wars of enrichment. I should also tell you that sewers work both ways not merely spewing waste and lies but sucking your brains out. At that not only your brains but your souls as well teaching you lies about everything.

I know Susan & Jodi bride of my youth and daughter of my heart) watched football merely to alienate me from them further. Football is not a sport but a reprise of baboons raping children in the arenas of Rome. Slop for the plebeians to quite rebellion. This equally applies to the authority of church or state who glibly destroy millions of ours and theirs as manufactured enemies profiting handsomely for their crimes against the commonwealth of life.

I am quite conservative of God and life despite their being too many of us to survive. There is considerable difference between the Church as an institution about God but not God him or herself. Study asexual reproduction if you would really want to know about virgin birth or love of another kind or marriage as an affair not of love but an issue of estates. As for politicians they are merely a reprise of slavery by would be kings.

I had briefly toyed with voting for our present Commander and Chief until I was advised that he was as much a phoney as the previous “King” What tipped the balance was that both parties avoid honesty by requiring journalist to allow them first edit on anything published.

Don’t kiss your ass good, merely lay in the bath tube and cut your throat. Use nice warm water not for your comfort but for those who have to dispose of your body. This random bit of snark was inspired by Fritz Eichenberg who told me that Jersey Kosinski had suffocated himself in a bathtub in a plastic grocery bag held securely in his hands until he expired. They were summertime neighbors. I remain appalled yet merely bored by the game of politics as practiced by fear and intimidation in America.

Politics is about power but then so is love. Knowing this I pray for the generation pushing me off the edge of life that they might know something about truth and not be governed by fear and dishonesty espoused by hypocrites and bigots.

In closing I will confess to having spent two or three days with John McLuaflin while he campaigned in Rhode Island. Despite his entertaining ways on television he remains, at least in my mind, a beloved Jesuit. As for myself the process of becoming nothing continues. What I think of as not rebirth, resurrection or reincarnation but extrusion . . . possibly an incarnation of the Sufi crossing an abyss not on a tight wire but on thin air. Read Rumi if you want to know what love is. . . . and save yourselves.

© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved