120101 20:55
Interstices, coincidental conjunctions and collisions . . .

Haven’t done laundry in six months. I was verging on day-of-the year underwear and mining mountains of dirty clothes; comparative reekyness considerations aside. After all what is stink water (men’s cologne) for? . . . and then began the cycle of turning them inside out, front to back and upside down.

So there I stood, pre-dawn looming and using a sticky roller to get Annie’s fur off the sheets; well, actually everything. I have a Queen Sized bed purchased in expectation of a liaison that I begged off at the dinner & wine stage. My father’s last erection was @ age 72 so I guess I’m on my last lap and running hard, not towards but away. I’m calling The Salvation Army or Good Will tomorrow to ask that they cart it away and I’ll return to my monks bed.

My last potential bed mate just informed me that she’d taken a boarder, wants to have a confab at lunch. Said her kids conferred and concurred. Oh well, she was the only candidate I’d give up my wolfish way for 24/7/365. So that’s what? A fourteen hour spread. I am not into New Years Resolutions, at least I never considered it one but being iconoclastic I ask even of God; is this your will or an accident?

Guess I’d rather have women as friends. Then they’d be like grand kids you can send them home. Interestingly women I talk to seem to feel the same way.

“Men wonder when and where, woman wonder why?” --Billy Joel 
. . . at least I think so but cannot confirm attribution.

I can’t keep it all straight what I write for me or for publication. Of late I’m attempting to write myself out and not into a corner. I have a staggering memory and have largely healed the agony/pain of it. . . .But as isolated as I am I remain conscious of being mentored by others of both genders and fabulously varying ages; so I'm here for you.

So much of what I do, or did, was/is like dropping your heart into a well and not hearing a splash. Such talent as I may have had was never developed but I make a great audience. In that regard I’ve had brief but intense encounters with people whose work I admire. The best, possibly the first, was sitting beside Joseph Albers and showing him some of my cut paper collages--we said “Music!” simultaneously--pink & orange it was. God how I adore genius but perhaps wisdom more since I weep at Buddha’s quotes. Jesus too but he is so buried in should’s & ought's that it is difficult to find the person beneath all the hyperbole. 

Regarding the product of my imaginings and captures: I’ve abandoned, or destroyed, most of it. Living as I do in an “Elderly” community at the time of my death the maintenance crew will simply dump what’s left. Don’t look back. Don’t look forward. Look at now and within yourself; there’s really nothing to fear.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." --Maya Angelou

PS No. I did not take the photograph but I admire it and wish I'd at least been there
. . . like I wish I'd taken Gene Smith's Tomeko at her Bath.

120101 05:31
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." --Rumi

I have no permission to post what follows from The Journal of Sacred Works:

"Top Five Regrets of The Dying
Posted December 1, 2011 By T Kelly

"For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die…I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. 

When questioned about any regrets they had…common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

…From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities….

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

…When you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip... There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

When you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away…All that remains in the final weeks is love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns…Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content when deep within, they longed to laugh and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying."



There are many paths with one goal: Love
Let us go forward and make Love possible for all --xoj