100124 07:13
Nothing that I can report, or make sense of, this morning, regarding last night’s dreams. Yet they were dominated by the event of a friend and nephew’s birthdays. Cause enough for me to ponder the impulse behind my penchant for affirming their births. Which I do with all my friends and family.
I discovered, while processing my dream, an unconscious impulse to tell others how special they are and nurture our community and through this the world at large. I should not be, but remain surprised at the growing list of friends no longer with us. Perhaps this is a mode of prayer which surprises me since it has taken me so long to get a clear sense of what I want to be and have in this life and world. I remember my maternal grandmother’s greeting cards with endorsements eradicated and resent.
These precious days, so near the end of my life, are celebrated daily through affirmations gleaned by a collection of quotes on my iGoogle page. I did not begin the practice until after I had begun the work of establishing boundaries between what is mine and that which is yours. Of course not having a television made it simpler and at this point I no longer want one. You might assume that I am a fan of ‘religious’ radio or some such thing. No. I am offended by anyone shouting anything at me and find that my experience of God is not religious and thus I am not addicted to crutches. If I respect myself respect for all others flows naturally into my consciousness. Then my current and former addictions are clearly drawn. It would stupid of me to say, for instance, that “at least I am not an alcoholic” since both parents were dependent upon at least one quart of their favorite poison daily. I have come to honor them nonetheless and forgive all the fear inculcated in me by them, finding that I love them more than I could understand in all my previous life.
We need no permission to live but that truth was hard won by me. The balance is between respect for our love given freely though denied or otherwise defined as inadequate. Love is a verb, not a noun.
Regardless of what all civilization and culture tells us, by way of entertainment, in retrospect I continue to wonder why, where and when it became apparent to me that I was the origin of my love for all others. And at that my love is given without expectation of return.
I do sense how ridiculous this may seem to others and know it better by how foolish it seemed to me once.
Journal keeping has allowed me to establish a sense of what I am and what I am not. In the privacy of my soul it is possible to accept my folly and sincerity of intent. Equally it is possible for me to weep with gratitude that I have life and live meaningfully, at least to myself. As for you it is my intention to offer the honor of my prayer that you become whole, self knowing and beloved of the truth . . . which, obviously, is God, true and loving.
“ 22:51
This has been an surprising day and I fell exhausted after dinner. I am beset with computer problems: three crashes in the past six months, the last fatal, my old friend expired from old age. When everything else fails I no longer become enraged, or feel victimized by this, or similar events which I am not ashamed to confess motivated hysterical reactions to in former times. Exhaustion can do odd things to our judgement and we never really know what will happen now or in the future. It is not that I do not care it is simply that I am willing to know and accept that which I cannot change and accept my helplessness.
Yet in closing this entry I am revitalized by signs of hope and find within myself expanding boarders of potential in response. I fully accept my follies and failures and forgive myself for being imperfect to the needs we all have to become fully alive and persons becoming healed and whole. I am now at peace with not being a diamond in the rough, or an imperfect pearl. The metaphor of being a “rock polisher” has been transformed into myself as a river stone polished by the abrasions of time. Think of water as the wine of life and its moving me over and over what makes me myself. Replace the word “me” with us or you and accept that all life is love when you give up fear. Love is not what you have but what you give.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
“Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.” --C. S. Lewis
100123 02:46
“Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.” --C. S. Lewis
Some days I’m Toto, and others, I’m Dorothy, twirling in the cyclone of chaos we’re in. We’re not in Kansas any more. In truth I am a man in love with a woman who I, in faith, believe loves me as a friend and our friendship is the greatest love I’ll ever know on this mortal coil. I am as loyal to her as nothing I can understand beyond using the Sufi metaphor for the love of the ‘Devil’ for God. In the myth God says “Be Gone!” and the ‘Devil’ took that as his greatest love and left Heaven behind.
My understanding of grace began long ago with Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea” and is now reconciled with his “To Have, and Have Not.” Perhaps it is inappropriate for me to use/abuse, works that others would understand differently . . . but in life and death I’ll stick with mine, as I do the sense that The Bible is my Handbook, or Owners Manual, for life.
Again, and yet again, I use Confucius’s rendering of the Golden Rule; "How about 'shu' [reciprocity]: never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself(?)"
We are collectively and individually caught in two dimensions: a Tsunami and enveloped in a gossamer web of love with our Creator and all life. In advance I ask you to forgive this simpleton’s conclusion that it is the work of love to accept the beloved as having a equal voice; and through that come to understand the meaning of Jesus’ “Love your enemy.” God will not do for us what we must agree to do amongst ourselves now. Regardless of the power to destroy, there is a greater power capable of making love and life possible.
“The Golden Rule” has a special meaning since it was introduced, conceptually, to me by Bert Bigelow, a onetime neighbor of my parents. He and is wife sailed into the Atomic Test site mid-Pacific ocean to protest the weapon.
Courage to love and act is a talent/genius we all possess, yet it is too often avoided or ignored. The beloved friend did not announce to me that she was a psychologist until after she had saved me from suicide. Our relationship informs my opinions and choices in regard to all things. It is my prayer for all of us that we find such a level of cooperation and move forward making sense of the chaos we are now in. Regardless of resources we have a communal family to reconcile with the future.
“Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.” --C. S. Lewis
Some days I’m Toto, and others, I’m Dorothy, twirling in the cyclone of chaos we’re in. We’re not in Kansas any more. In truth I am a man in love with a woman who I, in faith, believe loves me as a friend and our friendship is the greatest love I’ll ever know on this mortal coil. I am as loyal to her as nothing I can understand beyond using the Sufi metaphor for the love of the ‘Devil’ for God. In the myth God says “Be Gone!” and the ‘Devil’ took that as his greatest love and left Heaven behind.
My understanding of grace began long ago with Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea” and is now reconciled with his “To Have, and Have Not.” Perhaps it is inappropriate for me to use/abuse, works that others would understand differently . . . but in life and death I’ll stick with mine, as I do the sense that The Bible is my Handbook, or Owners Manual, for life.
Again, and yet again, I use Confucius’s rendering of the Golden Rule; "How about 'shu' [reciprocity]: never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself(?)"
We are collectively and individually caught in two dimensions: a Tsunami and enveloped in a gossamer web of love with our Creator and all life. In advance I ask you to forgive this simpleton’s conclusion that it is the work of love to accept the beloved as having a equal voice; and through that come to understand the meaning of Jesus’ “Love your enemy.” God will not do for us what we must agree to do amongst ourselves now. Regardless of the power to destroy, there is a greater power capable of making love and life possible.
“The Golden Rule” has a special meaning since it was introduced, conceptually, to me by Bert Bigelow, a onetime neighbor of my parents. He and is wife sailed into the Atomic Test site mid-Pacific ocean to protest the weapon.
Courage to love and act is a talent/genius we all possess, yet it is too often avoided or ignored. The beloved friend did not announce to me that she was a psychologist until after she had saved me from suicide. Our relationship informs my opinions and choices in regard to all things. It is my prayer for all of us that we find such a level of cooperation and move forward making sense of the chaos we are now in. Regardless of resources we have a communal family to reconcile with the future.
Coincidence or synchronicity?
100122 13:07
Coincidence or synchronicity?
Carl Jung, one of the fathers of contemporary psychology, defined the word ‘synchronicity’ as an “outward manifestation of an inward thought.” We all have moments of revelation when someone else, or another source, is addressing the same issue simultaneous with our thoughts overtly. In my life and times this has happened frequently yet I dismissed the experience as merely coincidence. The consequence was that I muddled along with the ‘best that I could do’ by my own discernment. Or, worse, I fell in love with the source misapprehending the author.
Experience with my own addictions lead me to conclude that I paid too much attention to the person, place or thing I was “addicted “ to.
Everyone, by lose definition, processes life experience through experiential filters: thinking, sensing, feeling or intuition with minor combinations of a secondary influence. I have begun to balance the four instead of the two I normally used inherently.
Retrospectively I should have said “am attempting to integrate” the four kinds of perception. We learn more by our failures than our successes. It is not an ideal of wearing rose colored glasses all the time but of really paying attention to the source of our information. Most of the time we are seeking affirmation of our convictions, “magical thinking”, instead of what we can learn. It follows that when I consume information I am now attempting to parse the meaning of everything I allow into the rock polisher of my mind. More often than not I find myself attempting to understand the motives involved through a filter of prophesy versus profit.
I have nothing against wealth and profit but when it costs me too much I begin to bridle. The consequence is that I vote with my wallet, feet or attention. At the same time I take umbrage at those who use psychology to manipulate me into their ideal behavior and so my response is considered and conscious, not reactionary.
In this regard I sense I’ve painted myself into a corner and find myself addressing, yet again, “Love your enemy.” And flowing into that consideration is a host of other sayings/parables of Jesus that inform me that I am moving in the right direction. “Innocent as a dove and wily as a fox.” Neither are stupid as some would presume.
I was once addicted to dysfunctional relationships, unconscious of my motives to heal them so I could have a life. Despite my many failings I am still moving forward toward a self-derived understanding. No longer worshiping resources that would otherwise use and abuse me to their ends or agendas.
Attention to synchronicity is near constant now. I am often humbled by grace especially that given by strangers and those who actually love/loved me when I could not love or accept myself.
In a sincere sense it was I who failed to respond to all the opportunities freely given in life to live better than I did previously. The primary source of my self-loathing originated in my parents anxiety that I become better able to survive economically--they were both young adults during the Great Depression--so I better understand and forgive their vehemence defining me as “too stupid to get in out of the rain.” If I have empathy for my ‘enemy’ now it is because I was once an enemy to myself.
Coincidence or synchronicity?
Carl Jung, one of the fathers of contemporary psychology, defined the word ‘synchronicity’ as an “outward manifestation of an inward thought.” We all have moments of revelation when someone else, or another source, is addressing the same issue simultaneous with our thoughts overtly. In my life and times this has happened frequently yet I dismissed the experience as merely coincidence. The consequence was that I muddled along with the ‘best that I could do’ by my own discernment. Or, worse, I fell in love with the source misapprehending the author.
Experience with my own addictions lead me to conclude that I paid too much attention to the person, place or thing I was “addicted “ to.
Everyone, by lose definition, processes life experience through experiential filters: thinking, sensing, feeling or intuition with minor combinations of a secondary influence. I have begun to balance the four instead of the two I normally used inherently.
Retrospectively I should have said “am attempting to integrate” the four kinds of perception. We learn more by our failures than our successes. It is not an ideal of wearing rose colored glasses all the time but of really paying attention to the source of our information. Most of the time we are seeking affirmation of our convictions, “magical thinking”, instead of what we can learn. It follows that when I consume information I am now attempting to parse the meaning of everything I allow into the rock polisher of my mind. More often than not I find myself attempting to understand the motives involved through a filter of prophesy versus profit.
I have nothing against wealth and profit but when it costs me too much I begin to bridle. The consequence is that I vote with my wallet, feet or attention. At the same time I take umbrage at those who use psychology to manipulate me into their ideal behavior and so my response is considered and conscious, not reactionary.
In this regard I sense I’ve painted myself into a corner and find myself addressing, yet again, “Love your enemy.” And flowing into that consideration is a host of other sayings/parables of Jesus that inform me that I am moving in the right direction. “Innocent as a dove and wily as a fox.” Neither are stupid as some would presume.
I was once addicted to dysfunctional relationships, unconscious of my motives to heal them so I could have a life. Despite my many failings I am still moving forward toward a self-derived understanding. No longer worshiping resources that would otherwise use and abuse me to their ends or agendas.
Attention to synchronicity is near constant now. I am often humbled by grace especially that given by strangers and those who actually love/loved me when I could not love or accept myself.
In a sincere sense it was I who failed to respond to all the opportunities freely given in life to live better than I did previously. The primary source of my self-loathing originated in my parents anxiety that I become better able to survive economically--they were both young adults during the Great Depression--so I better understand and forgive their vehemence defining me as “too stupid to get in out of the rain.” If I have empathy for my ‘enemy’ now it is because I was once an enemy to myself.
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