Love is not what you have but what you give.

100124 07:13
Nothing that I can report, or make sense of, this morning, regarding last night’s dreams. Yet they were dominated by the event of a friend and nephew’s birthdays. Cause enough for me to ponder the impulse behind my penchant for affirming their births. Which I do with all my friends and family.
I discovered, while processing my dream, an unconscious impulse to tell others how special they are and nurture our community and through this the world at large. I should not be, but remain surprised at the growing list of friends no longer with us. Perhaps this is a mode of prayer which surprises me since it has taken me so long to get a clear sense of what I want to be and have in this life and world. I remember my maternal grandmother’s greeting cards with endorsements eradicated and resent.
These precious days, so near the end of my life, are celebrated daily through affirmations gleaned by a collection of quotes on my iGoogle page. I did not begin the practice until after I had begun the work of establishing boundaries between what is mine and that which is yours. Of course not having a television made it simpler and at this point I no longer want one. You might assume that I am a fan of ‘religious’ radio or some such thing. No. I am offended by anyone shouting anything at me and find that my experience of God is not religious and thus I am not addicted to crutches. If I respect myself respect for all others flows naturally into my consciousness. Then my current and former addictions are clearly drawn. It would stupid of me to say, for instance, that “at least I am not an alcoholic” since both parents were dependent upon at least one quart of their favorite poison daily. I have come to honor them nonetheless and forgive all the fear inculcated in me by them, finding that I love them more than I could understand in all my previous life.
We need no permission to live but that truth was hard won by me. The balance is between respect for our love given freely though denied or otherwise defined as inadequate. Love is a verb, not a noun.
Regardless of what all civilization and culture tells us, by way of entertainment, in retrospect I continue to wonder why, where and when it became apparent to me that I was the origin of my love for all others. And at that my love is given without expectation of return.
I do sense how ridiculous this may seem to others and know it better by how foolish it seemed to me once.
Journal keeping has allowed me to establish a sense of what I am and what I am not. In the privacy of my soul it is possible to accept my folly and sincerity of intent. Equally it is possible for me to weep with gratitude that I have life and live meaningfully, at least to myself. As for you it is my intention to offer the honor of my prayer that you  become whole, self knowing and beloved of the truth . . . which, obviously, is God, true and loving.
“ 22:51
This has been an surprising day and I fell exhausted after dinner. I am beset with computer problems: three crashes in the past six months, the last fatal, my old friend expired from old age. When everything else fails I no longer become enraged, or feel victimized by this, or similar events which I am not ashamed to confess motivated hysterical reactions to in former times. Exhaustion can do odd things to our judgement and we never really know what will happen now or in the future. It is not that I do not care it is simply that I am willing to know and accept that which I cannot change and accept my helplessness.
Yet in closing this entry I am revitalized by signs of hope and find within myself expanding boarders of potential in response. I fully accept my follies and failures and forgive myself for being imperfect to the needs we all have to become fully alive and persons becoming healed and whole. I am now at peace with not being a diamond in the rough, or an imperfect pearl. The metaphor of being a “rock polisher” has been transformed into myself as a river stone polished by the abrasions of time. Think of water as the wine of life and its moving me over and over what makes me myself. Replace the word “me” with us or you and accept that all life is love when you give up fear. Love is not what you have but what you give.