permutations changing everything 

chaos for instance in pinball playing 

myself the ball and the gamer playing

my destiny is oft invisible as the plain 

of my being is rocked and lurched 

vigorously lights out TILT! game over 

the person playing my activity dead 

before dropping to the concrete 

penny arcade floor in uniform a war

casualty lost or missing in action No 

it was St. Louis and my father saw 

the event vibrant in moments his friend 

electrocuted by  faulty wiring 

electricity coursing through his rubber

soled shoes not me but him the gamer 

of me dad. 

Lessons learned in time age forgotten the intention of dad to keep me from touching anyone vibrating only using a nonconductive instruments like a dry mop handle if wet will conduct the electricity deading me do not play savior or sailor of anything or anyone doing so is deadly especially for me or dad or the player of everything or anyone who wishes to do what they do. The savior in me always steps up eyes spinning both vibrating and jiggling upon the penny arcade floors of existence and . . . 

Time is never still Like a river To enter it one my choose to either stand move forward or backward The moment never the same From that moment Before or Afterward the sailor remains the same but the river changes and the sailor once alive is now dead meat wading infinity or crossing the river Styx the ferryman collecting his quarter the price of admission from under his tongue the sailor

120831 0231 pinball
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

our odds against tomorrow

odds against tomorrow grow dim/darker minute by minute given that we are indifferent to our Selves and all those surround us growing more and more and more.

Emigrants in a land we proclaim to own America exports concepts alone that darken the world’s future. Among them torture and the absence of Habeas Corpus. My previous post mentioned Mary Shelly but not in detail. What follows is copied from Wikiquote resulting from hyper links contained within her quote:

"My heart was fashioned to be susceptible of love and sympathy, and when wrenched by misery to vice and hatred, it did not endure the violence of the change without torture such as you cannot even imagine." 


Torture is any act by which severe pain, whether physical or psychological, is intentionally inflicted on a person as a means of intimidation, a deterrent, revenge, a punishment, or as a method for the extraction of information or confessions.

Sourced

"Perhaps we cannot prevent this world from being a world in which children are tortured. But we can reduce the number of tortured children. And if you don’t help us, who else in the world can help us do this?"  -Albert Camus, at the Dominican Monastery of Latour-Maubourg (1948); reported in Resistance, Rebellion and Death (translation by Justin O'Brien, 1961), p. 73.

"I want to make sure that if my government ever does this horrible, terrible, extraordinary thing, that somebody takes responsibility for it and that it be out there in the open and subject to accountability. ... Though I understand the danger of legitimating something that should not be legitimated, on balance in a democracy, I prefer accountability." -Alan Dershowitz, Felix Frankfurter Professor of Law at Harvard Law School, debating David D. Cole Pre-emption: Preventive, coercive, or both? (2007).

"I mentioned to one of the gaolers my sense of this hardship, as an obstinate guilty person might deny the truth, whilst an innocent one, less courageous, might very readily, to relieve himself from such a state of misery, make a false confession. His answer was laconic: "Lago confess" ... "They soon confess."" -Irish lawyer William Sampson, writing of his experience under torture, quoting an inquisitor on its futility as a means of obtaining information Memoirs of William Sampson, 2nd Edition (1817), Letter XVII

"Torture is senseless violence, born in fear... torture costs human lives but does not save them. We would almost be too lucky if these crimes were the work of savages: the truth is that torture makes torturers." -Jean-Paul Sartre, "A Victory" (1958)

"The one thing we know about torture is that it was never designed in the first place to get at the actual truth of anything; it was designed in the darkest days of human history to produce false confessions in order to annihilate political and religious dissidents. And that is how it always works: it gets confessions regardless of their accuracy." -Andrew Sullivan, "Imaginationland", The Daily Dish (2007-10-25).

Unsourced

"The strong will resist and the weak will say anything to end the pain." -Ulpian
"Know that there are five degrees of torture, videlicit, first, the torture of being threatened to be tortured; secondly, the torture of being conveyed to the place of torture; thirdly, the torture of being, and bound for torture; fourthly, the torture of being hoisted on the torturing rack; and fifthly, and lastly, the torture of squassation." -Julius Clarus, quoted by Philip Limborch, a preacher and annotator, in his History of the Inquisition

"[It] has never been a reliable means of extracting information. It is ultimately self-defeating as a means of control. One wonders why it is still practiced." -Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation; Episode #137 "Chain of Command, Part II" 1992. Picard has been captured and tortured for information by the Cardassians.

. . to close: 

Greed is an addiction responsible for the export of our economy and employment. Inflicting upon others subhuman income and working conditions. Should we be proud of that? Or elect someone guilty of it? By what right/rite divine or evil does he purport to in vanity lead us and where? . . . more on this in the latter future . . . 

120830 08:05 odds against tomorrow
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

!NEWS BULLETIN!

Just in receipt of news from M . . . and Mary Shelly

Coincidence? i know not so!

M is at times both: the Green Emerald eyed Sphinx and, though I’ve alluded as such, or so, also a ginormous stone mule legs spraddled refusing to go or do anything . . . save for her intention. Inconvenient, difficult, obstinate of course but that’s why I love her so since she is She & beloved of me nearly so as God.

At that. How could she otherwise have endured these going on years with me wandering and wondering the desert of my mind? Or heal me as she has.

I am a reader of quotes. One time of books; addictively so. Yet in old age, lacking time, both in the present and future tense; I sense-think-intuit-feel people of such grandeur myself rendered, not merely a dust mote but, invisible. 

AWESTRUCK! 
. . . no longer fearful

Both women in their own way and time have healed me of dependence and expectation of anything I could anticipate. Becoming sovereign unto themselves a value higher than all previous desires or lusts. Best, both, have placed my endless grief upon the shelf of history. Not suffered but valued; both my grief and the women beloved of me.

I made a conscious dedication in view of my son’s becoming a cesspool of toxicity and expected to be blind and sterile had he lived. That I would, given the same difficulties, chose not to become such; since life for me is an issue of quality not quantity. And no one, not even God, can take my sovereign right to decide for myself to live or die or why. No Forgiveness required.

In her difficulty her choice is as mine. Should our dawn become exclusively mine, I will meet her again at another SunSon rise elsewhere in eternity. Should she predecease me I will be free of her obstinate refusal of my detailed praise or portraiture . . . until then; find your own confident friend.

120830 06:55 concord
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

truth i give you -- mine

Joy is experience of the Presence at all times in all places. The world and heavens conjoined whole & holy. This wealth is ours. All life’s and cannot be taken by extortion or death. Do no murder. Simply for that which we kill kills us; not in whole but by degrees and slowly.

When pleasure rules it controls the recipient; pleasure ends or dies while joy never ends or dies. Too much of anything: sex, pleasure, rock n’ roll or death is boring. Quality versus Quantity and gambling or gaming is simply another form of divination. Or playing solitaire and cheating. 

My words are poor, faint directions to what you can experience within by experience or faith not belief. 

If you do not assert your right to live life exclusive to your choice. Then you, as I was, are a slave to having anything other than your Self. 

Faith = experience. Belief = ideation/ideas feeding nothing but fear. 

My thoughts and conclusions are meaningless to you but my intentions are meaningful in that I ask you to love yourself. That’s the joker in the deck, isn’t it? What is Love?

Love cannot be defined in the abstract. Love must be lived -- lived with and for: I/Thou never I/It since if God is an It than also am I. 

I intensely dislike and am now bored by theology; a bit less than by politics, power or pleasure. I am neither cynical or skeptical but know the cost of pleasure too well. And the wealth of joy immeasurable is growing minute by minute. If I accept or submit to your faux “god like” pleasure in killing me of my ‘death’ then I place the burden of justice upon your soul. And my soul can never damn you for I know the Judge.

Choice has consequence; or what some call Karma; so near in sound to dharma or epiphany.  

Be careful of how you read me since I am devious in that I have introduced the words of our now “enemy” since by definition submit is the derivation of Islam. Acceptance is, for me at least, and only now in this life, how I define why I can and may write these words. My childhood prayers being answered as asked; please be real and known to me . . . what is the meaning and purpose of power or any and all things. 

What I now know in part I will soon know whole face-to-face with the origin of all things. In that prospective event I find peace now and forward. I have regrets which I cannot avoid or deny; thorns in my naked feet accompanying me in every step. While I’ve become accustomed to the pain the suffering, is at times, unbearable. My slander and actual crimes against children peers who attacked me or simply were different from me. I could rationalize the cause and effect but refuse to do so since in that choice I cannot find forgiveness or mercy or love. And impermissible to me is that I did wrong for right reasons or right for the wrong reasons. Such conclusions I must accept from the Judge.

For you and for myself I’ve opened a Pandora’s box filled with, not one but a trillion, hydras. To me that is merely the process of creation and healing. Unafraid I know my fears more effort than the confrontation & accountancy.

In the deaths of others I’ve seen peace in them. Their bodies left behind. Souls gone on. In faith I know this will be true of me. At least, I pray so. Let it be in me. Let it be in you. That is what and why I write. We are emigrants in life returning home in death. Blaspheme is not slander of what is holy accept when against yourself. Idols are things, as are cults, ideals that have no life save in mutual intoxication.

. . . i ask your prayers, or good will, for M -- she is in difficulties -- in healing me I am unable to heal her in this my truth helpless without your and/or God’s will for her

Amen.

120830 04:08 joy
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

a fraud & hypocrite am I

Miles to travel by light years and in death more light years upon light years infinite. Curious about everything; the origin and meanings of love & life; all things inclusive; not just exclusive to God. 

I've spent so much time in transit: cars, walking, flying, boats/ships/yachts/dinghies; that I have come to sense myself in conveyance, when I fly commercially, on my way to Auschwitz. Add to which the Storm Troupers are now patrolling the isles. Regardless of style or class it's all to the Gates of Hell i went and now go. Back and forth since infancy wiping away any sense of home across America; a windshield wiper in a hurricane I passed.  

A fraud & hypocrite I became in early youth pretending to be okay just to survive. It took decades and enormous effort to now be less a chameleon than I was the day before. By needs the Gates of Heaven are where we finally lose our ego and gender identifications. Like those days of yore; personal valuables piled before the showers gaseous discharge or the bodies starved and worked to death piled as cord word awaiting the crematoria. 

Crimes by my parents against me forgiven but never forgotten since to forget is not to see the rape of America. I have lists of those who stole my mother & grandmother's work for pennies per button or stitch. Plus my father's estate stolen or gift to my ass hole half brother. 

Like them Bankers are the bane of all recorded cupidity. Please, if curious look up: avarice, profit & loss, electronic elections; greed. My shit list of assholes grows daily and exponentially; inclusive of the usual suspects Stock Brokers/Speculators Politicians regardless of rank from the top down, either party . . . by any basis of comparison my hypocrisy and fraud are inconsequential.

My point is that the word ass hole can be spelled asshole meaning scatocephalic or asshat the current and future posture of the congress of baboons. Please include the Judiciary in the mix since The Great Black Stain and War Criminals Clinton and Bush now Obama have driven us suicidally more so into the arms of the collectivized and institutionalized thieves Incorporated the Banks Of America. 

Could it be that the Sanhedrin had no bitch about Jesus as/being related to God but balked at his crimping their Temple profits selling sacrifices and needed a really Big One for THE BIG SHOW?

Today I was informed by my doctor's office that they had prescriptions for me to pickup? It seems the shitwits in Santa Fa (The Medical Board) decided that it would be better for me to go there than use a telephone or fax machine; to drag my weary, broke, flabby ass to the doctor's office ignoring the possibility that I might have enormous difficulty economically (no car, bus to far to walk in this current heat, unable to hire a cab and so on and on and on). Oxymoronic isn't it (shit + wit) what wit? The should all die of AIDS slowly in agony crawling to the pharmacy please; a little justice here!?

See them smiling indifferent all dressed up awaiting the shower/oven combo too. 

Do you now understand a bit better why people go postal, berserk, running amok in theaters showing movies dedicated to empower/entertain the helpless & hopeless? Essentially people with no future regardless of political lies. This is a depression; depressing isn't it.

120829 19:29 fraud & hypocrite
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

confessions of a father

Like all men common by appearance he was complex without knowing his depths. Yet to me, his first son, was oddly confident of things more personal than, in retrospect, I'd wanted to know -- yet knowing is my nature: His ideation of suicide, at or near the time of my birth -- slightly before or afterwards. The illicit abortion of my sibling; gender unknown, who haunts my life in ways unknowable; plagued. The wife and mother of me who nearly bled to death, resulting the dismissal of an unwanted child; as I was soon too soon after birth to become aware myself; unwanted.

Understand me well, there are deaths by many measures, means and kinds, the unkindness of an abandoning indifferent parent is among the worst. 

This I know by confessions and conversations of others who intimately trusted me as their friend; their confidence sacred to me. By which I came to know myself curiously blest in ways previously oblivious; like for kind. To a child, though, then unknowing, presuming myself worthy of all slander, punishment, abandoning and worse: no right to be or live at all. Merely indulged; the antics of a stray pet given temporary shelter, a foster being unaccountable attribution to the keeper.

Indifferent he witnessed savage behavior and of those he did not see remained incredulous. As well mother would ask occasionally, why this, what was that about? Mute in reply, since it was my only defense to watch her closely, the turning from mere beating to murder . . 
. . . at times holding the glowing coals by hand for too long needs a block of ice to repair, remember those? Ice Boxes? . . . 

How old I've become expecting death at any and all turnings of time or events fatal implicit/explicit between mother and myself. And why? Oh Dear God! Do I persist in rowing the ice pick in my heart, mind and soul? My eyes memory bleeding instead of weeping.

For we the broken: PTSD & Co-Dependent legions of us crippled emotionally intoxicated with greed to be known and loved accepted as we are; the hidden self grown to maturity despised, if not beaten to death; merely road kill. . . .Cut apart buried with lime, in the cesspools of time; no monument required. More or better yet to be enslaved to a would-be god-like 'parent'/pimp who sadistically cuts, kicks, abuses and rents our bodies out for the use of others; perpetually scalded in hell forever longing to die. 

Sanguine knowing myself sanguinary: slaughterous of a murderous nature or in a murderous state of mind; bloodthirsty rage against injustice of any kind; especially against children already born. All children are of God; all definitions and at any age. 

A father bereft of children now I adopt all life as my family as does God . . . i have faith so for such, i'd be willing to live or die for . . . my dragon of rage, belching and farting fire is so difficult to restrain yet so tightly saddled and bridled . . . it is best that i simply walk away and leave my irritants whole; unconsumed & unscathed.

Be well; let it be in your life, to be so beloved of God and healed

Afterword 120829 15:33 beset with slow downs, no malfunctions found yet, on my alternative desktop, I've been researching 'sanguinary' to affirm my identification with being co-dependent for years now healed & a conviction that PTSD people are similar in origin; if not in whole -- at least partially. And could, in part, explain the behavior of those who 'choose' to slay, injure or maim others acting out in public what they could not elsewhere. Seeking attention to their needs?

120829  11:15 confessions of a father
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved

all my days i've searched for love

who am I to descry yesterdays or tomorrows when our today is so filled with glory exceptional oh Lord forgive my wavering the expectations against tomorrow's needs when all my days have been so blest as this day your presence all the peace i know now and forever i love You so and rest for eternity all the days of infinity. Amen . . . a prayer for M all my days rejoice again i say rejoice

surely i did not write this but awoke it written on my heart all along all my days forever so blest again I say rejoice this near moon become my sun all the light all i'll need forever blest these days and nights and morrows What a day it was yesterday and now knowing love sincere actually everything else aside all my yesterdays have become my tomorrows rejoicing

i strolled outside the moon & stars greeted me and then I knew entitled 'all my days i've searched for love' & find meaning of 'third person omniscient' note: to myself this time again remember

then

"Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change. So suffering must become Love. That is the mystery." --Katherine Mansfield

"Human intellect is incurably abstract." --C. S. Lewis

"This sex thing. We never used to be hung up like this. Nature doesn't give little kids problems except when there's some king of an accident--like that eight-year-old South American girl that had a baby. 
But that's practically a mutation right? --Paul Zindel (Author born May 15th)

this day date time my iGoogle page on Chrome

120809 03:21 who am i
© 2012 by Jack Spratt All Rights Reserved