Family Issues

In a few instances I can recall having had dreams as complete short stories. Some I can remember and now wonder if they are amongst the many early ones I destroyed or abandoned kept in journals. The first several hundred, possibly near one-thousand, were screeds filled with angst. Attempts to make sense of chaos. Finding reasons for being abandoned and trashed physically and emotionally.

The dream I have just awakened from is so bizarre that I can hardly contain it regarding my sister, her husband and their family about whom I seldom dream.

In which their children had adopted children certain to die. And in one instance married one to collect the insurance. Perhaps this was suggested, I am not sure. The disquiet I had in the dream and now is better placed in my thesis that we all are one family global. (Added later: Nothing is for Naught and nothing is as judged.)

Being fully human and well acquainted with joy and sorrow, my devils and angles, little surprises me save the on going receipt of confessions regarding those amongst us victimized. There is a significant difference between the original journals I kept and now. Where there was outrageous behavior I now tend towards forgiveness, understanding, mercy; instead of vindication or retribution. A personal choice. Not what I advocate for the confessor. For whom, if allowed, or indicated, or requested, I have labored to aid their peace. If not absolution. Knowing too well being possessed by rage towards those who did persecute me.

Possible now only after long effort to understand the what, why, when, where and how integrating both my responsibility and my parents. (Added during rewrite: I sense in all cultures extreme views and behaviors that plague us all.)

Nothing worked for me. And the commonly sought remedies were unavailable due to the secrets it seemed that I must keep. Adapting to circumstance now redefined by M through her vast experience with criminal behavior.

The impact upon a child regarding abuse, sexual or emotional, is equal in consequence. The source of predation is as often extreme religious, political, economic views as drugs such as alcohol. Many of us, the abused, turn out well and at the very least are able to cope. Tempted here to use the the term “NORMAL” but nothing is normal except a setting on laundry appliances. Instead I will simply say that on average we are born, live, then die without causing harm to others. No one escapes life all die. Death being the great democracy.

Suicide is a constant companion near always mentioned as an alternative by those who share their intimate lives with me. I sense this is the motive behind rampage acting out. The costs to the commonweal is staggering and growing through the Population Stress Syndrome. Which by investigation is largely attributable to natural consequence by over population in Earth Science. My inquiry is far reaching beyond the bounds of good and evil. Which I believe is fundamentally sentimental and wishful thinking. Or worse, projection upon the behavior of others, that which we deny in ourselves.

11:54

In another dream, at first I thought the dream rude and salacious; about men and very young nubile women. Something appropriate for Literotica. But with my next cup of coffee began integrating it into my sense of what is above, earlier written; an abiding concern.

There is no school for parenting. Of those in my memory none have proven ineffective. To the contrary they seem responsible for harm. There are far too many cases of incest unreported. And like my secret regarding my parents difficulties with alcohol, one of the lies I lived by far too long. By my experience we the victims presume responsibility as a defense mechanism—being cute, literary, what I call preemptive damage control: “I am bad and deserve nothing better” or “I am to stupid to live” . . . or learn, or become healthy and whole . . . to be a completely real person sincere. Not exclusively defined by race, gender, gender proclivities, creed or anything outside my choice; given that I am, like all of us free, to meld within the global community responsibility participating and doing no harm.

Recently I remarked to a friend, while discussing our choices of mates, the advantage/problem with pornography is it never talks back. To which we both, in chagrin said, 'neither did our mates.' The absence of response equals no affection. A passive-aggressive rejection. Abandonment. No trust possible. My compulsion, addiction and fetishes have been a curiosity forever. Understanding finally that what I sought from others was impossible since I always chose those who most closely resembled my most dysfunctional parent. Why settle for fleeting minutes of pleasure when limitless joy can be yours eternally? Sexual gratification is the lesser part, glorious in and of itself, but minor to a lifetime of friendship.

130422 04:59

What loves us is ourselves, finally, and then the fear and hatred leaves. Self-Love is not “Hey Look At Me!” but being a friend and parent to the child we—really it was merely me who remained childish for a very long time, growing up and old, never 'mature.' Lending me a small urgency to share the process, the miracle. Neither this nor that; but the whole megillah . . . unique to each of us individually.

21:14

Apropos of nothing within this post but the parenthetical expansion of time when with M. Her name and birthday coupled with a plethora of other personal to me mythologies expands our time, precious, beyond the beginning and ending of either us or it, itself, time. Our times together are fewer now due to a host of reasons. No three times a week but once a week if I am lucky. We seem oddly fragile and resilient physically. Yet as from the beginning, so now, we bask in one another; silence within cacophony. I cupping both ears to hear her lilting lullaby of voice.

This post it getting over long and I will swiftly close with the following. I began to suspect myself a “dry drunk” given my parents problems. Then began a number of 12 Step programs ending in Codependent issues from which I conclude myself graduated. Astonished that the process goes on expanding and discovering issues to which I clung, mostly people, who rehearsed my parents behavior, destructive to my marginal sanity. People incapable of loving themselves lending equality to anyone or thing outside their rigid defenses.

Returning to M. I was thinking she had, in her manifold gifts to me, constructed a scaffold, or enabled one for me to build myself a life exclusive to my needs and intentions. However, for now I, will advocate that should you be a victim, as I once was, seek help. Stop isolating within the stew of secrets kept. Find peers with whom you can identify taking ownership of your self.

I think my greatest gift is friendship with that which most call “God.” Neither faith or belief but experience.

130421 06:24 MDT Family Issues

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