nothing is ever lost

“Nothing is ever lost in the universe,” to quote myself, is a conclusion recent to me and not a palliative for the deaths of my children, family, friends and those about to die I consoled over the years.

I have what I believe to be an odd random access memory. And ability to replay the scene and feelings of the times of my life.

Acknowledging now, on a personal scale, stepping from the ‘known’ into the unknown, radically - involuntarily. Akin to what happened, explicitly to America, 9/11. Live broadcast of the second plane entering the World Trade Center implied: NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!

Nothing has been except the usual responses to change. As with myself, so with the general ambiance of America; lots of wishful thinking. Coupled with an undertow of burgeoning confiscation of privacy without recourse. To which I am now less willing to attribute spiritual answers in any wholesale sense. Since the birth of my first child I experienced a change from solo, then to, with wife to family.

In the succeeding four years a number of changes, that I intuited implied death of the first born and of the second. About which I said nothing given that I had survived my childhood by silence. Internally assuming it was my fault, a conceit that haunted me until recent years.

. . . 130308 05:20
Ask and you will receive, knock and it will be opened . . . not exclusive to the Bible, but I sense present in all consciousness I come across worthy of memory. And who or what shall answer? A nameless friend who’s response is worth more than anything otherwise knowable.

At least it is to me. Sad that I still contest the authority of trivial and unimaginative people who otherwise it seems eat me for lunch; merely because they can.

Is it arrogance to imply I parse and triage my time? And in general will give my attention to anyone who asks but those who steal it beware. . . .But at that I seem, for the moment, oblivious to the random good even my enemies deliver.

The above was initiated by a dream to which another was added this date in amplification. I bore myself with all previous attempts at justification, explanation or reconciliation between source and inspiration save no minor intent to offer to others an opportunity to learn more than can be taught.

In many ways I sense myself a plodding pragmatist searching for the manifestations of what has lead me throughout my life. That which I, in times of celebratory ecstasy would otherwise photograph, or attempt poetry or possibly to incarnate in fiction intended to distill: “Be a victim to no one or anything.”

Or. In the case of those I most admire, and seek what they sought, in their last words, when assassinated, forgave their executioners. Seemingly it takes far more effort to love instead of kill; to live instead of die. And for the realization that my ‘sacrifice’ of celibacy is rewarded beyond any measure.

If nothing is lost in creation then it follows that all life is equal in importance. None more so than another yet there’s the rub, the conflict of those unimaginative who abuse and abrade to gain some entertainment at the expense of others. Some what akin to mother’s posture, seldom explicit, if you cry I’ll give you something to really cry about; my intuition that she’d kill me if I protested her discipline cum abuse.

For which I am now grateful, since she taught me to think. Better. To seek what I’ve sought and finding it, share.

130307 07:00 nothing lost
© 2013 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved