I have become considerably more flexible, or fluid, in my assessment of those who I intuit have, having, a successful marriage; become in friendship as peers; meaning equals.
As indicated, personally, I had difficulty in socialization. Yet only now know that had my parents not left me with my maternal grandmother -- what Jung referred to as The Great Mother (by extrapolation and experience, her second husband, not biologically my maternal grandfather, was my Great Father. One of my more significant dreams: He WAS god in a sweat stained fedora hat. I the child he the Man yet a man telling a young man he'd be okay.) -- I would not be myself as I know myself better each passing day. It was he who first informed me that I am/was; "Crazy as a bedbug/June bug." Upon which continuously improvise in response to "How are you?" And remain nearly as fond of replying "Compared to What? Additionally, several men have remarked, our sense of time was off: "night for day" and "where have you been for so long?" And of them I am disconcerted the number of us, young and old, who no longer have hope of a future, in life or death.
Lovingly will I long remember those beloved of me at hospice and their discomfort at the sight of me.
Acutely aware of all the strays in this world, homeless and dying of neglect: dogs and cats, road kill, PTSD and co-dependents, 'mentally ill.' I have learned the hard way never to treat a woman of any estate of attraction or age: youth or crone as a vehicle of my sexual gratification -- it bores them.
It enslaves them.
Making them less than equal in all regards . . .
and if pressed to express their feelings and values will tell you explicitly why they have no interest in men . . . especially a 'dirty old man' like me (self-assessment without deprecation.)
Sadly I seldom have come to a position of emphatic trust with a woman until M.
Though several exceptions come to mind: Women who were kind, generous, affectionate and willing to play "talk 'dirty' to me." Not gratifying in a sexual or voyeuristic way but merely to be honest in the sense that they accepted me as their equal/friend/peer.
I awoke thinking of parenting, the sacrificial nature and pragmatic reality of being one. Realizing that had I thought I'd have time left to me I'd do so, by adoption . . . but then I can as well be a foster parent, i.e. as with Big Brother/Sister. Although should they, the Authorities, know me as well as I know myself, i doubt it.
To others who love and know me deeply I am the Flying Saucer of Boomerangs. A simile used to describe what M says when in vocal mode. Her words come out and like a the scythe of death cuts me not into half, but slices and dices cell from cell, killing then resurrecting me instantly. . . .Such, for me, is the true nature of love: equality in all things.
What would Jesus be like after witnessing two thousand years of what has become of His reputation? The millions slain? Northern and predominately Protestant Ireland: Belfast? -- is this were my "irk the ire" of those who are politically and physically potentially/realistically violent comes from?
Some of us are allergic to NICE or NORMAL. And some are quite violently and unconscionably rude about aggressively destroying that in others. . . .I know The Holy Roman Catholic Church as originating in God, but at times, and to degrees, not kinds, too capable of being asinine.
No longer ashamed of loving men but not being attracted or inclined to them sexually -- as I am still at 72 towards women and one woman in particular (well, i lie: many women but willing to die for one only M.) If I want to make Denis speak (my friend and expelled priest,) to jerk his chain and get him to bark, all I have to do is ask a theological question and it is a napalm enema but I am made of sterner stuff: asbestos. Why scatological? Some of us, or we men, are more intimate and confident in one another that others ever dream of being. Retroactively at times I'd like to expunge the entire Mayflower passenger list and start all over again. . . .No more smug self-righteous white people who, being lunatic fundamentalist, aborted Habeas Corpus . . . or so I am lead to, or merely believe.
I am essentially attracted to women with "Balls" powerful assertive and independent people who happen to have been born female. Or more like Lilith than Eve is portraid. A significant part of my education is the eventual hopelessness of it, myself, in life or death. The issue raised by comparing Lilith and Eve or the suggestion that Eve preceeded Adam. I am not ignorant or stupid but merely willing to acknowledge the limits of my knowledge and understanding; which is, to me, wisdom.
e.g. If I say I wish to make God available to you, my thought and ambition becomes oximoronic, since you already have both God & yourself; as I do. The difference is that I know and accept. While to my eyes and experience you deny or flee. I think-feel-sense-intuit with coupled equally male/female intuition and or other qualities having nothing to do with hermiphadict sexuality that I know Jesus through omens, dreams, portents and the simple choice of being generous instead of selfish. It is not His, or my story that interest me but your's and ours before we become extinct.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Amen.
120925 02:20 common wisdom
© 2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved
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