A Pilgrim in Progress I by nature am seductive towards all women and of M unsuccessful so far. Perhaps, could it be we solitaries are by unspoken dedication sacrificial in that sense; knowing to surrender to pleasure would experientially eclipse us both? Useless to any other.
Of clerics and sisters religious too do I approach with a wannabe me too, or as well, they who I honor more than most vocations in life. God & Heavens forfend a woman desired should in desire or kindness yield for then again I'd have a tar baby on my hands; more nearly a well like grave into which I'd fling myself dying to all intentions for awhile then grow to resent my slavish attachments. Leaving eventually to find myself blissfully alone and glowing in joy the solitude in which I write or cogitate the meanings of all things especially life and love and liberty. Oxymoronic am I -- I so love that word the latter part and implied plodding first. Oxen being more acceptable than the snake I am. I still grope M with my eyes and she knows knowing everything. Sometimes we are very young she eleven and I chasing her through pear orchards in dreams and imaginings barefoot laughing.
Until recently my masturbatory fantasy women were young slender small breasted birds but being eclectic extended to all women, colors, types, ages and sizes. Before Saturday's learning the degree and kind of sexual harassment a new naturally gregarious nurse asked innocently, "how are you?" I think now that she being a part of the family knew my recent flirt with death and loss of a testicle but that aside I replied; "Not bad for an old man, want to try me out?"
"Oh Jack!"
The consequences of her potential protest not only costly but a record of being a sexual predator life long sentence. I am usually more subtle. Essentially with women for whom I have no lust other than to affirm their being beaten down and neglected or so I imagine or intuit. Instead of women seeking my services sexually I am hit on by men or was so in my youth. Zero interest in random dalliances with anyone, male or female, I was kind thanking them for their intended results and attention. Encounters of the thoughtful kind are welcome anywhere anytime. Thankfully impotence or death will soon take me away from such play.
Resurrection or reincarnation seem to imply virtually the same. I do role play wondering what Jesus do with the same temptations? Sex and sensuality dominate my senses yet slowly with M's training I've come to adore more the penetration of souls.
My cycles of rest seem shrinking and remain enough for now in anticipation of merely being dead forever too soon my interest, curiosity and longing to read unquenchable. Yet I imagine "my father's house has many mansions" all as class or reading rooms? The best instruction being for me is experiential at that doing no harm.
If I love someone it is not like fly paper but skin. Simply referring to 'my wife or daughter' allows them nothing of freedom from my thoughts and prayers unconsciously expressed by breathing. Yet they are distant from me and grown in their own ways unfamiliar . . . and that is well because were they with me I'd know nothing of what to do with them to entertain or be a proper host. It seems I learn to practice what I preach in the most arduous and difficult ways--you do know me well enough to know I am at least a teacher and a best a wannabe priest? All bread and/or fruit of the vine is sacramental to me as is or are your lives and attention.
Somewhat chagrined at this confession I'll let it go since personally I want to go as far go is; to find the boundaries of The All. And should she read me my volunteer director, THE BOSS, would kick me to the curb. Little fear in that since she seems to despise computers and I am shy about 'my writing.'
Be well not for me but your own sake.
120903 01:59 eclipse of the son
© 2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved
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