Jack Spratt

120725 16:28 men

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will (suffice.) be enough.” --Meister Eckhart (c. 1260 - 1328) was a German philosopher, mystic, and theologian.

Don’t know why Stormy Weather . . . strange here in South Central New Mexico: the monsoon season. Skies are magnificent heat lingers longer into the night . . . yet I’m getting bored with the noise of fans and swamp coolers running all the time longing for cool all the time.

Long time ago I read Sir Kenneth Clark on Nude versus Naked: a thumbnail from my memory: Nude is majestic magisterial and Naked is ashamed to be human. In either or any case in the locker room I sense the future will be well since us old farts and the young bucks are honest about caring for it. Contrary to Pharmaceutical adverting, lies, we laugh about ED, present, past or future.

Dad being hung like a horse, mule and something else altogether -- I am lamentably not -- was insistent that I parade nude before him aboard ships in lieu of his wife who he married same age as myself. I’ve said enough about her elsewhere: see Cmdr. = Commander Chuck E. Cheese.

My point being there is a couple absent for a time on a cruise. He said, when queried about his foxy wife, who suggestively resembles Elizabeth Taylor. I once HER briefly had access to passing swiftly by a press ambush. A woman with balls moving like my mom; look out! We discussed cruises and swapped tales regarding cruise guides.  We dad and me, or I, were lecherous together or apart attacking any woman regardless of age one replied, “You naughty naughty boys want to see my stocking tops?” The odd part was that I sensed eventually after molesting her companion with my eyes and mouth came to conclude they were very good friends sleeping together in the same suite. PC indicates one never asks about wives or husband since so many like boys or girls or girly boys better.

Or the other way around?

I loved him so yet only realize now more so since he’s gone not coming back. I was furious with him since he seldom knew how to say “I love you” to me from infancy onwards to those trips when we became friends. And only now, well I lie -- healing being a process; a winnowing out the wheat from the chaff, no magic bullets ever last . . . he never loved himself . . . so my lifelong efforts were tears upon sand and stone the garden of his consciousness. Same with mom. So my “I love you” was spurious; a plea for them to love me. Never happened until now when I can say with apprehension and conviction that love is a gift freely given without expectation of a reply.

A gift that freely given knows no cynicism or skepticism or Nihilism and indifference,--i.e., that modern man has no goal, no aim, no ideals . . . then you will know you really love yourself and are no longer dependent on the definitions of others your worth. Criticism destructive is unknowing ignorance the obverse is loving of both the giver and receiver. Or. For me at least a better understanding of Jesus saying love your enemy since in doing so is to acknowledge and accept being human and of equal needs

I told M in the pool, “My mother was a Bigot about sex” to which she replied, “All women were more of less so in that generation.” The she started telling about wearing 3 and/or 5 inch heels and I grabbed the water weights to hide my erection. She knows me better than I know myself and merely laughed; both for about and off our love affair asexual. When I confessed my penchant for suicide she replied her intention was always to run away, then that most people are suicidal covertly & here I extrapolate that we PTSD victims are marginally closer than even myself then for a long long time until she saved me. I still smoke cigarettes a long slow ridiculous and costly suicide. When dad suggested that i “man up” and quit. I replied “I don’t think so” He then said, “well you’ll only have to come back and do it all over again.”

? : ?

I’ve done it again speaking of M inappropriately she’ll kill me for it someday soon. It is, this I write, not for me or her but for all of us our love affair with ourselves and then all creation. What we kill, kills us, our ability to love ourselves. Love always is the greater power. All else being merely a pissing contest between little boys who were never loved as infant, boy, adolescent or man. Only very fearful people seek political power and I know the one in the White House isn’t one. Exasperated but not fearful of anything or anyone just like me. There is not anyone or any thing that I envy in the Universe not even God.

Confession is good for the soul it begins inside admitting then accepting the truth, all of it, of yourself and then we grow to love our selves. Possibly, perhaps, it is grotesque for me to unravel the viscera of me and yo yo my soul in front of you?  But it was the only way I discovered I had one; a soul that is. God is the best councilor the other recourses are okay but he does it better and it lasts for ever. Just ask and receive.

. . . Heaven’s Gate is within you and always open for those who seek mindfully . . . so . . . it’s not who you know or blow or from whom you receive praise or money but how well you know yourself that will redeem you in love by the lover of us all -- Even Johns.