Jerusalem to become our Universe . . .

091222 12:23
By & Of more than one woman was I attacked for my love affair with computers.
While it was true that I sought, when available, the pleasures of pornography, it has become
more readily apparent that I doth rely too much on the facility proffered in computing for writing & photography. My own record--what was sold before, now so graphically, freely, lightly given.
Yet there is, a was, hidden Saint Nicholas in the stacks of dictionaries suggested by, a then writer, disguised as a reporter, and former lover of Tom Wolf’s, who espoused The American Heritage Dictionary.
Obvious now my arousal at the visual marginalia suggestive of alternate reality and/or associations . . . I oft times fell into reverie ecstatic with far flung potential nude. Or merely synchronicities that I then thought mere coincident. That was a long-ago opportunity my lover then invoked, and from that, we begat a child, and I taught at University.
Of the child aborted, now more sadly so, the loss of all my other children, save those of you willing to be adopted by me. I was, then and now, confident of the practice and product stud known. Yet remain bewildered by the prospect of creating written words or teaching anything.
As child and adult I have known rejection and abandonment thus learned to live by my interior dialogs caroming between rage, desolation and mirth.
In fact, degree and kind this season of winter became my nadir ricocheting into manic delight at Easter Tide. Little knowing then that the prospect of banishment to my material grandmothers home was heaven and haven or simple sanctuary.
The auguring turn of time screwed into my innocence that arrival of Labor Day reprised and returned the insanity of my parents house.
Apparent in this moment is the tutelage failed they beat indifferently into me something other than whatever it is that I am now.
Obviously I was a savagely silent wild child and were it not for grandmother’s easy recognition the mother of me otherwise I’d assume wrong parentage. Randomly stolen Christ Hospital nursery.
I never presumed derangement in my parents and attempted to be all that they instructed: dumb, deaf and blind incapable of finding my sit down while talking. Prayer, medication, contemplation and psalms sung for survival were heard and replied to but never known then the transport to this moment of delight no longer medicate bipolar.
Seek and ye shall find, ask and it will be answered; rebbe Jesus was there all along. His truth has set me free, the prisoner released and through His Mother I know God as both androgynous.
Though apparently touched by grace I remain the chastised child i was. . . . and long for Jerusalem to become our Universe. . . .to know yourself better than not.