I have my love, and have not my beloved, yet.

091215 04:51
24/7 365 defines my life. No longer in harness to the agendas of others, I am at times surprised by such as remains of my family and life. Their vigor, beauty and youth reassures me that all is, more-or-less, well. I can leave the arena of life safe in their hands. And yes I cherish my role as a grandfather of sorts. The disconnect began too early and my focus turned inward; those hyper-vigilance blues became my theme song. But fate, karma or God always is at play drawing us into the healing pool of reality.
The days, hours, minutes become ineluctable and precious. Time parsed to this is that, and that is this, values conscious and conscience examined. At times I simply relax finding myself at rest and blest by the truths of everything.
What is Truth?
What is Trust?
What sees and evaluates the differences, and what remains the same, with or without being noticed? The more I presume to know the truths of others, their cares, woes and joys, the more I realize exactly how little I had to do with the child who now writes and annotates life with photographs.
“Its all about you!” --Norm Ouellet
Of the people who loving/loved/love me still when I knew myself unlovable and unworthy of life, remain beloved, yet more beloved is the force and power of life’s courses . . . a raging swollen river filled with boulders upon which some are smashed, and others flow over and around, immune from peril.
I am weeping now and a small quiet voice telling me it’s okay.
I’ve discovered heroes and in my inordinate, perhaps obsessive/compulsive, or merely addictive attention, come to love them, their choices and behaviors. I now want to follow them more closely and go wherever they went. Going as far as Life goes and beyond to whatever.
Odd for an old man, who was a broken dysfunctional little boy, to finally find the courage to live and love free of expectations and conditions; the gift given unconditionally--totally.
Why? Is, I now conclude and am convicted by, the shortest prayer in the Universe. Ask, and you will find answers given freely by the reality of your however you define all that is good, loving and true.
Since I’ve drown five, or more times over, and known the delicious giving up of my life to the ineluctable--inevitability of consciousness death and survived. Why? It was not for me to decide at that moment as Jesus, or Dietrich Bonhoeffer, did, when “their time came” yet. And so it seems that I join that which sees me and know there is more beyond the fear, and welcome, awaiting the choice of brothers dying for brothers and sisters who will remain safe, the gift freely given in love.
I have my love, and have not my beloved, yet.