120610 05:26 grief

I've been free falling into the abyss of death for a very long lone time. Nearly equal have been sexual thoughts: seen in retrospect the real issue was sensuality & touch. It is tasteless to live without touch. I know this as the central locus of my continual grieving for my daughter who died in custodial care at the age of eighteen months. Sometimes before I give up and end the life I have suffered, I remember that somewhere another is able to see through her eyes donated by my daughter through The Lions Club. Then I am able to take another breath and survive another minute. It gets that bad. Sometimes you just have to take life, breath by heart beat, or minute by minute.

Unaware until this moment it, her lingering lonely death, is perhaps the nexus of my intention and motivations to serve those about to die in hospice care. I refuse to be a “Poster Boy” or vain in this regard since as mendicant I receive far more than I am capable of giving. I am humiliated not humble. It is dangerous to ask God to inhabit your heart, mine being so small and finite and once, or so I thought then, immutable as I did The Who is friend & beloved constant and true.

My dearest friend in the cosmos at least the one with a body asked me how I was doing with Nicoreet? To which I replied, “they interfere with my coffee.” My son drown in his blood from Leukemia and my father was unconscious, in a coma for five weeks from COPD and now though I gurgle light it up first cup!

A horny old toad am I. Remembering now a foxy book seller who replied to my statement regarding the folly of committing suicide by cigarettes; “Well. You know the Sufi Masters smoke to keep from exploding?” Oh Lord God and Holy Choirs of Angels that was so long ago; possibly too late to really care. So maybe I'm practicing for my own lingering or briefly experienced dying or death?

120612 01:36

a number of solar systems have passed beneath my keel since I started the above and now

sadness struck personally with the death of a kitten well remembered and left behind in my quest to now this old man who writes crying and giggling in the night becoming day

Add to which before departing last evening from hospice in dialog with three nurses women of young to median age I heard the oldest a grandmother say I wouldn't want to be either my daughters or their children living into the future

While I ask silently What Future? I attempt to curb my mouth since I read the anguish and angst of those about to die and the young people without a future stolen by the Corporations gaming the system stealing our lives and resources and using the profits to prophecies their sense of justice Being the Greatest War Criminals in all time

But then I am equally a criminal in that I allow them to go on and on killing in my name having stolen the blood, sweat and tears of my grandmother who took in sewing

I have an exquisite sense of Exxon and Wal-Mart both are criminal in their behavior towards their employees and the governments they purport to 'serve' under they buy politicians who cry “More Jobs” but what sort of jobs more nearly slavery without remission.

120611 04:44

stealing across fire mountain, what the first natives called the Organ Mountains, is a new day more over announcing a new me not reconfigured or renewed simply another birth no merely the body in decay dying but a new self irrevocably altered changed in process becoming

what?

transits of planets and lives are equally physics it is the adored Eternal silently enters my day a new life begins Christmas, Easter, Resurrection another day

yesterday was another wholly different gold fish bowl into which the rays of dawn brought Alan Clements a lapsed Buddhist monastic who made greater sense of the inevitable integration between self and others and all of us via Public Radio's “New Dimensions” Program Number: 3433 “THE WORLD DHARMA OF FREEDOM AND NON-VIOLENCE with ALAN CLEMEN”

http://www.newdimensions.org/

http://soundcloud.com/worlddharma/alan-clements-interview-a

http://www.worlddharma.com/

by nature I join nothing but do participate in the lives of others to the degree allowed by them yet in annotating this encounter considered deeply over the past 24 hours I've come to sense the meaning of integration and/or constellation better . . . listen and judge for yourself . . . enter the steams of light hyper linked above

“I'll take thy word for faith, not ask thine oath; Who shuns not to break one will sure crack both.”

--William Shakespeare

120612 00:48

a few closing thoughts before I post this and move on

I in retrospect whilst immersed in other equally important more pressing in my face issues remembered the impression Alan made upon/within me . . . His charisma and sincerity in a time of disingenuous to use a very useful Christian term: His “witness” made sense to me

as for “joining” anything I have given my heart to God and my body to hospice they combined are my family, my church and my reason for letting the fresh air blow the stink off my body Otherwise I'd write myself to death

Alan this young to me man wades into issues that address issues where political 'angels' fear to tread in streams of molten lava where he is in the best company I have ever known at least this time this life I'm prepared to leave yet I would tarry or return in spirit or body simply for the children so often abandoned to the vagaries of war while the fat cats profit and our selves and progeny die.

If you read me you should take the opportunity to listen to him

if not now when? Do we The People take back our lives from the slave holders; give me liberty or give me death.

be well.

    Looking like 79 miles hard road rode until exhausted and put up wet he sat in Tom Young’s Fitness Center’s, Las Cruces, New Mexico, dressing room. I guess he declined my idea of writing up an article with photographs for publication about his recent kidney replacement. I gave him my card and credentials. A thumbnail of the experience follows.
    There is no privacy in a men’s locker room, I was late for water aerobics and tarried to hear his tale. My interest not limited to his miracle four years in waiting but also the concern for the bad press received by The Veteran’s Administration.
    A Viet Nam veteran his need obvious but the wait nearly killed him. Late one recent night the local police called saying, “You have one and a half hours to board a plane in El Paso bound for Nashville, they have a kidney for you.”
    Accompanied by his daughter they arrived and boarded a Lear Jet, some forty miles distant, they the only passengers. The plane failed over Memphis. After critical delays they were chauffeur driven to Nashville where he received the kidney of a recently deceased nineteen-year-old girl. The staff chief surgeon, a thirty-five-year old female, in reply to his query, “does that mean I’ve breasts and a bubble butt?”
    “No. It just means you’ll have to squat to pee.”
    Such is life in these United States of America. In a time of crisis and anxiety we, a people of grit, know life goes on.
    In another instance of father Vet and daughter; during conversation at Mountain View Memorial Center I leaned that her father, one of only six, had been blown off the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor and survived. Seems he never sweats the ‘small stuff’ either, insisting that she drive him to the hospital during a heart attack which he also survived. An otherwise $600 ride.
    We the people should be proud to be who we are as citizens. As for myself, living in this Land of Enchantment, New Mexico, I know that the survivors of the Bataan Death March still celebrate surviving the event arriving in Japanese cars. It changes a person to know such people. It makes me proud too.

120607 22:14 new kidney

120607 19:41
    Across the years down the days to this moment I find surprise in a life blest beyond all that I know in others. Principle amongst these blessings is the fact that though painful at the time I grew to maturity in two different venues:

    1.) Rural a transition point for the Underground Railroad on the Ohio River
    2.) Greenwich Connecticut one of the three wealthiest communities in the then world

    I sensed myself in those growing years incapable of learning within the vocational context of public school. Remembering best being admonished by a Colonel's wife, my fourth grade teacher, someone I then described as having flown past the class room on her broom, purple hair and all: “Don't you want to grow up and earn $10,000.?”

    That was in the '50s right now I am living on less than $13,000. Social Security annually yet am at peace and happy though I intuit my classmates in Greenwich at least some have stolen not merely my fortune but processing their competitive greed have destroyed the world's economy . . . I'd love to use the recently acquired Navy phrase; “Who f__ked the pooch?” here.

    Without malice/rancor/vengeance envying no one or anything I appraise my next course of study in the Hard School of Life's Knocks--my pleasure and joy--but mostly for you and for all of us. Seeking a measure of: adapt, improvise and prevail in a time of extreme anxiety and attentions of the Authorities those fools who lead us astray.

    We are what we consume food, air, water, news, education and opinions of others. And I have a concern that we are being psychologically factory farmed as slaves to the intentions of those who essentially are psychotic having virtually no compassion since they lack the gray matter to do so. Not their fault but when they institutionalize their theft of our lives, the lives of our children and pets, our future and the very existence of our species upon this home our planet . . . well then . . . I do protest.

    The subtext of my personal education, ongoing, is Power, addiction, grief, love, crimes against humanity, unusual practices of convenience to the few at the expense of all others. We or Us. Add to which I would know if allowed the full measure of that which, or who, created us to begin with; not from idle curiosity but from love for the beloved.

    I can, as you may and can, be anything you long to become. It follows that prayerfully I request God's will for us that we give not steal as most do arrogantly. This self same irreverent child's mind enabled me to survive stoically the depredations and slanders of my time and parentage.

    Though I had shelter food and clothing my tutelage was in the school of indifference otherwise. To my dismay I judge, applying the same standards to myself, the current rulers of the world, the Corporations, have essentially destroyed the family idealized and made fear mongering the dominant form of control the masses they disabled to consume their products.

    With hope and love we learn how to survive first then thrive living fully at peace with ourselves. I intuit that to God all life is precious. Even those who persecute us and steal the world in their competitive race for profit.

    Anger and rage are byproducts of fear. In their turn they own us so long as we allow it. By entering mine after a very long time I am now free as we can all be.

   Be well.

120606 04:21

Conservative in the extreme I do obeisance & kowtow to what made me so
in all praise supplication and prostrations reverent gratifications gracious prayer
dance song petition silence mindless void yawing emptiness absorption of whom
by any and all names remains the Creator of all things gracious and good.

The Whoness of Who i am is your servant unto nothingness forever more nameless soul who selfless blind no eyes or “I's” ego id would follow all and any Prophets speaking of THE ALL by any name creed deed gender celibate corporate merger color paring mating celebrating cohabitation collaboration co creation no arms or limbs incline inspired by you defining Love as Self declared manifest in absence free will god?

In/By chance/choice childless accidental or war or travesty greed creed selfishness the soul given form formless aborted remains resilient this fragile thing called life manifest biodegradable heard in whoooing train night passing echoing across the valley waterless smoke tinctured earth on fire charred wasteland every fallen leaf remarked and purposeful god? pray for us!

120606 05:30…notes to myself a soul in process

“The impulse of power is to turn every variable into a constant, and give to commands the inexorableness and relentlessness of laws of nature. Hence absolute power corrupts even when exercised for humane purposes. The benevolent despot who sees himself as a shepherd of the people still demands from others the submissiveness of sheep. The taint inherent in absolute power is not its inhumanity but its anti-humanity.” --Eric Hoffer, in The Ordeal of Change (1963), Ch. 15 : The Unnaturalness Of Human Nature

Atonement: I am guilty of assuming that badge rank symbol of power is an accomplished fact or Fiat money—in others as well as myself. It is not what role we play, the costumes, postures & words: but what we do that matters. And is finally the judge jury and executioner of us: “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.” --Albert Einstein

Do no harm--please--choose wisely!

I feel/intuit/sense/think I am 'called' as vocation to use my own words without resource/recourse to those of others discovered in quotes. And though I am confident I will fail this ideal, real, imagined, implied or inferred—it now seems best that I stand a deliver what I can as I am here and now these final moments of life left; many or few.

This also — that I live, I consider a gift of God. --Ovid

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be. --Rumi

In civilized life, where the happiness and indeed almost the existence of man, depends so much upon the opinion of his fellow men. He is constantly acting a studied part. --Washington Irving

120606 08:03

    I am at times ambivalent & others confident that I should make available, fully, this process which I experience as a dialog with God. I too was once shut down crushed beneath the weight of my fears and inadequacies but now I surrender as Jesus did and submit in the sense of Islam as Mohammad said to the will and gift ever present in what we call “God” who by any other name will remain a rose is a rose forever thorny or thorn less regardless the names applied.

    “Higher Power” works equally and is synonymous; implied and/or inferred. All institutions  at birth are miraculous yet age, then decay and die; given their governance and accountancy by imperfect and fallible fools such as i.

    In a sense, for now at least, I will continue to share this self-evisceration for those who in reading what I write—the greatest joy I've ever known, none barred—-might profit. I long to be forgotten, it is my nature to love others ever more highly than myself. It follows when in doubt regarding motive I remember my children. The child I begot out of wedlock = Lising = Living in sin however briefly the child then aborted and now mourned equally to those 'licit.' The brother/sister unknown following my birth by one year aborted—and now, even now I weep for them the lives they never lived. And of the daughter adopted, abandoning each other, I am speechless with grief and her daughter and new friend too.

    Of all the many forms of divination I know this seems most effective for me. Supplanting both meditation and contemplation it's form follows flowing from my training between the hammer and anvil of life in the University of Hard Knocks . . . could it be my unconsciousness of prayer continual?

    I ignorant of the art, craft and institutional/classical sense of How To Write. I know only my desire/why to write and will close with the thought that instead of a Prayer Wheel what I publish for now will resemble a Word Wheel: thought, association, inspiration; with attendant information: cause and effect. . . .The following discovered in process by multitasking; my current practice. I.E.:

--Boris Marshalov
“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens, then everybody disagrees.”

--G. Weatherly
"Forgiving those who hurt us is the key to personal peace."

--Paul Valery (Poet)
"An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it."
“At times I think and at times I am.”
“Conscience reigns but it does not govern.”
“God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.”
"Great things are accomplished by those who do not feel the impotence of man. This ... is a precious gift."
"Love is being stupid together."
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."
“What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves.”

. . . the latter, just for the hell of it!

The greatest evil I have ever known resides within me and it is by choice, given the opportunity, not to kill, abuse, use, take, steal, covet . . . you know the drill. It predates “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” by millennium and stemming from Gilgamesh approximately five thousand years before our version graven in stone.

"They who give have all things; they who withhold have nothing." --Hindu Proverb

120607 0113

    trilling thrilling awakening my mockingbird singing to me awake get up jump and shout! mendicancy thoughts could it possibly be that like Jonathan Winters Robin Williams I am as equally self abandoning to make you laugh? m&m lunching talked about those events most memorable to the several cinematic recapitulation she described seeing Winters climb a flag poll to the very top whereupon he wavered forth and back shortly the butterfly catchers stretched his hands arms etc behind his back disappearing from the audience he'd collected . . . Oh well swell what I image was recorded on film for which I paid a price to view she saw in the flesh as usual and Dave Brubeck too.
    I think wolves sleep better than I do
    I know so and celebrate no snarky ranchers killing me with bated traps on public lands where normally I'd be safe to make a living too in the Republicans of Death. So pardon me while I disappear in my slappy high heels wearing sixteen coats in 111 degrees chrome Nazi helmet and red nosed too.
    I've just reinvented my persona for now ever awhile Slappy Jack Giant Killer at least I don't have Dick Cheney's arm up my backside flapping my jaw talking ventriloquy through my wooden head. The New proposition seems self propelled.
    The nature of creative ecstasy is to be who you want to be when you want it. Annie, my cat, just stares when I roll my eyes, wiggle my ears and flail my tongue from ear to ear. And ordinary female would call the buttery fly catchers. In this case I'm not sure who owns whom. Maybe we're just a pair of bookends self propelled derived and defined.

. . . a sad note in parting with Ray Bradbury whose “Dandelion Wine” I first read in high school and said to my History Teacher when requested to deliver my homework, “I've escaped!” Walked away. 

"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down." by him of course!

120605 02:38
    Being up for awhile I am just getting started: pee, coffee, organize what's left over from the last moment before sighing into bed slumbering there for a time --- who knew the bird awakening me by mocking my rest was a Mocking Bird? Or that upon using another browser because I didn't want to lose the threads discovered on Opera I'd learn it was the advent of a "Transit of Venus across the Sun"?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transit_of_Venus
"A transit of Venus across the Sun takes place when the planet Venus passes directly between the Sun and Earth, becoming visible against the solar disk. During a transit, Venus can be seen from Earth as a small black disk moving slowly across the face of the Sun. A transit is similar to a solar eclipse by the Moon, but while the diameter of Venus is more than three times that of the Moon it is much further from Earth and so appears smaller and generally takes longer (up to eight hours) to travel across the solar disk. Transits of Venus are among the rarest of predictable astronomical phenomena—they occur in a pattern that repeats every 243 years, with pairs of transits eight years apart separated by long gaps of 121.5 years and 105.5 years. The next transit of Venus occurs on 5 and 6 June 2012, and will be the last Venus transit this century. Historically, Venus transits were of great scientific importance as they were used to gain the first realistic estimates of the size of the solar system. A transit of Venus can be safely observed by taking the same precautions used when observing the partial phases of a solar eclipse."

I'm thinking I'd accept all 'acts of god' great & small with heartfelt welcome, after all I confessed to L earlier this even I'd been honored to witness my son's death but that of my daughter who to my shame died alone in custodial care continually plagues me. In other times ways places thoughts I scream inwardly outwardly moan sighing in grief silently weeping then too long to consciously know my own death: time of departure intentions/thoughts feeling and so on and etc.

Possibly.
Could it be?
My lust for women can never really be slaked abated allayed assuaged quenched satisfied slacked--Thank you WordWeb for this laundry list of synonyms--In some unconscious feminine sense intuition feeling thought foreign to me or so should be so I sincerely wonder why union/congress instead of when; abstinence and celibacy. No fan of one night stands of those once or twice occurrences a lingering distaste remains even now so long ago the infidelity to my Self.

i know no better how to reply to God than Women
who catch my eye lusting for them all the while loving them
as well
we are as children playing in a sandbox
as if
so fluid is my sense of timelessness yet my heart says no
my desire says oh yes one last time before the last of my erections
In truth I do submit surrender and sacrifice my all to what I know is God for the love of all, personal or it.

Mockingbirds are a group of New World passerine birds from the Mimidae family. They are best known for the habit of some species mimicking the songs of other birds and the sounds of insects and amphibians,[1] often loudly and in rapid succession. There are about 17 species in three genera. These do not appear to form a monophyletic lineage: Mimus and Nesomimus are quite closely related; their closest living relatives appear to be some thrashers, such as the Sage Thrasher. Melanotis is more distinct; it seems to represent a very ancient basal lineage of Mimidae.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mockingbird

. . . my memory is to me a mocking devilish angel reminding me of earlier conversations with M who mentioned specifically mockingbirds and their or singular one who kept her awake or wakened her
2nd cup of coffee: thinking what if I were a Billy Shakespeare/Hank Longfellow set loose with a computer? Initially visualizing myself at fourteen driving mother's Cadillac my three friends either terrified or too ignorant to be so while I drove flat-out down New Hampshire country night roads oblivious my charge or potential of destroying not only ourselves, the car but any wild or 'normal' life crossing my foolish folly then at fourteen.  In the wake of that I thought of "A Bird In Space" organic not stone undulating like little swimmers in fallopian seeking new transformations of life. Honestly I'd rather be the latter than the former forever a bird in space this mind/consciousness/mindfulness now this self/soul who replied to stimulus with not erections but hymns of thanksgiving all things divine live actual.

. . . I'm thinking this might just be the most honest thing I've ever written and considered publishing since it is my longing to free the soul of anyone who cares to read it--or me--to the end that they too will listen the mockingbirds and transits of Venus two 2 to in a tutu II;)

120605 03:43 Preface
    I arose without intention explosively unconscious exactly what had awakened me so shortly after entering rest. I know, admire, love actually, others whose essences I had the privilege to conjoin however briefly I use the sexual innuendo without smirk or gloat since to have intercourse as I do is far more consequential than impregnation; it is fucking someone's soul metaphorically. Gender in this instance is irrelevant since there is potential in all life a dialog with God. Silent to some I seek to make visual what is for me the greatest joy everlasting known experientially.
    Instantly consciousness of potential offense against especially two women I've come to love unreasonably pauses me to stillness and pondering maybe not, perhaps, maybe . . . we the three of us will soon be dust our soul's fled and left behind with be all the young who follow in harness this quest and obligation to respond the challenges of being alive in this time and all others to come and have been.

 120605 09:40
    I am aware of "breakdowns" at least the term if not the experience. In this post I want to share a "Breakout." My freedom from addiction to sex, money, power, fame and all the illusions of secular materialistic immortality/fame/fortune/acclaim. I'll not be more specific since my concern is for your addictions and dysfunctions to which I will now attempt to provide clues as to how to, stone cold sober, achieve emotional sobriety: in short, stop being and/or making yourself insane.
    That said, I'll still smoke cigarettes and if diagnosed with cancer of any form, after a second opinion eat a train. Sanity allows masturbation and playing with death you see.

120605 21:51
    Emergent like the dawn delayed too long my greed for another to define me dies; executed by facts inconveniently apparent truths. I must publish this to divest what has been initially auspicious explosively pregnant undelivered would kill me more than the whimpering exhausted self an albino lab rat red eyed whiskers though short twitching.

120604 02:36
    A sense of holiness remains preeminent throughout all my rages against and stages of adoration for and now submission no longer mere curiosity-by-the-by what Islam means is=submission.
    Or, from me for you more simply put, “The Geography of God.”
    A journalist I found conceit working in & for 'The Temple of Truth.' And now will anyone of you out there remember the once-upon-a-time institution of Newspapers? I fear not for it and reading seems doomed entertainment and instant gratification addictions supreme poverty. Though I, without apology, confess I read not newspapers but books I still see sense myself a laborer in the vineyards of truth; seeking investigating distilling sharing experienced in ways compelling/comprehensible to others at times apprehended by my witness convicted.
    Flowing from the time recently reunited mother her absent a year or more. I supine and she kneeling beside my bed taught me to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Good Lord my soul to keep should I die before awakening.”
    Weep?
    Yes!
    A parent regardless wonderful or abusive remains our first experience of the who, what, where and why of God. Did I leave out 'when'?
    Possibly.
    Perhaps.
    Maybe not unconscious since in time all time became sacred and all places holy to me.
    And to Whom I prayed internal external eternal and infinite unto beyond all measure of space and time meaningless otherwise. And I now so love God that without Her/Him I'd be nothing at all not even dirt.
    And now Even now It, this self propelled biodegradable risen and returned to ashes conveyed self, remembers all these years later my sorrow for baby pigeons eyes death closed beaks raised a rictus of collective yearning to live-love-be fed. That was before they left me for a year or more with my maternal grandmother mother's mother who loved me like a son the first in a family of women a would-be-king raised as such by her.
    Nexus to nexus events traumatic broke me over and again but it was not I alone for too soon I had an accomplice My sister who left once in park alone in a stroller at winter beside a pond some three or four blocks distant from our then home she the involuntary interloper into a family of insanity self abandoning yet as chaotic as it was I coped without her six years after me.
    The mute, dumb, blind satellite male in the mix was dad who while saying and doing nothing but paid the bills witnessed it all without intercession it was he whom I adore equally maybe more since through him were more birds:
    Charlie “Bird” Parker
    “The Grab Ass Bird” swooping down in sudden striking terror sweeping children/adults away     The “Garf” mysterious hybrid partially feathered otherwise wearing trousers and biting the buttons off horsehair couches while smiling sipping tea you see it had a beak in its posterior wearing crotchless panties no doubt but
    Then I grew to call dad Hawk after a myth concocted by others regarding a mouse who once acquired called from the predator bird's posterior shouting at great height, “Don't Shit ME NOW HAWK!” the light at the end of the digestive tunnel peered through
    Final epoch of family constellation came when innocent sister demonstrated at six to my twelve female anatomy
    Devolution
    Evolution
    Revolution came
    Terminal nexus given in stone . . . mother expected incest us and thus swept my six year old sister to the gynecologist to prove disprove whatever it began the year long of Coventry no dialog just being fed clean clothes and so on and on but I ran away first dad caught and brought me back more glowering silence explosive yet more-or-less protected but otherwise enslaved to him and his agendas as for her finally no touch benign
    For me no--for him his posterity yes.
    No wonder now why I love Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche whose thoughts and quotes burnish the sword I became forged between hammer and anvil in the wasteland of luminosity shining as we all can redeemed finally
    All are broken suffering
    Original sin?
    Or merely made that way variously imperfect seeking to be impossibly perfect healing always possible maybe maybe not 'holy' but always now is everything nothing for naught be here now whole submitted