From To 'Had She Said Yes'

Welcome is your kind, loving, warm and sincere reply. I had fallen, in the cold light of day, to confusion regarding all my intentions towards you. Fearing that in my honesty I would have potentially caused you distress. Learning in the process that I am more imperfectly flawed in my self than I had previously thought. I too have a longing to bond, to unite as one with another, secretly impossible by perception until now. Thanks to you and god. Add others living or dead I trust and consult hourly in the walk.

We are wed by sincere sharing, and for now that is wonderful. What will come next, on my side, is governed by my will that you be for yourself the kindness I have seen you so freely give to others. We, equally, have spread our seeds of kindness upon infertile ground; loving those who are incapable of loving themselves. I know this true of myself, formerly, and intuit it you. So much seems lost in the mechanics of life, expectations and failures to be the ideal. What, in turn, is impossible since we can never fulfill the all required and fall, as failures knowing it impossible. Failure being the better teacher than success.

Failure is no shame. Since by, and from it, we arise, renewed, going on. Keeping the formerly beloved in our regard without resentment but willing their highest good always potential in themselves.

Apprehending that we, at that time, possibly never, could or would, be adequate to the task. Yet as in me, so I sense in you. We love as children--unconditionally. Until the gift we give becomes catalyst for pain or shame in the beloved. Oddly it seems we have become partner in their crimes against themselves, their addiction to avoidance; where they find peace for a time; pleasure not joy.

In time I have come to define them as the living dead. Unwilling to do for themselves what they must. While clinging to what was: preserved, stale, a stain unchanging--apprehensive of change. We cannot save a drowning soul for in that we can drown with them.

Some of us wander across the stage of life until the mid point when it occurs to ask; is this all there is? Most, at that point of no return, gather more of prior success as happiness having no other ambition. While the fewer turn and face entropy, stasis and engage the enemy of life: status quo. Everything is in change, either expanding or contracting. Forgive, please, my sense of God as change; not fixed and immutable; an idol. Perhaps this not the venue for such a sentimental opinion?

We can change nothing but ourselves, in the process becoming free to give and grow something new. Be creative instead of slaves to what was. The tuition is very high, this divine school of hard knocks. All are unique and precious, even the sleepers who do awaken sometimes. If not now when they die. For now this is my imperfect sense growing minute-by-minute, attempting to find my job description, written in my heart's core.

I will close here and go on to something more personal to “Had She Said Yes.” To whom I may, or may not, recommend this. I will not use or abuse anyone as I was abused and abused myself in order to survive.

Discovered: I may as well have been writing this to my former self.

Above all things be true to yourself.

130427 14:52 From To 'Had She Said Yes'

© 2013 by Jack Spratt – All Rights Reserved