I have failed. Simply giving up on a personal destroyed chemically in childhood by Ritalin; for ADHD = Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. A legacy passed on to his two sons. I have no sense that either of the three will ever read what I've written and thus be ashamed of my inappropriate attention.
Sadly I add them to my prayers for the dying and dead; listing those to whom I've given my attention ferociously loved as well.
Odd in this season of the Will-o'-the-wisp, friar's lantern or jack-o'-lantern what I know as the evening before All Saints Day: Holloween. To me they will forever remain Saints for their love yet from me they ask too much of my dwindling time and faltering heart beats to allow them their consumption of me.
Through various means and measures the treasure I now sense in all parameters and places supplants time as measured by life. For me; I have little regard, having been trained well as many I know; our parents the false gods of our childhood; their indifference and self sacrifice. But then; this is the nature of our biological imperative to reproduce. Not just sexually but psychologically all that we knew of life passing on the succeeding generations our legacy as we understood it best.
Curse or blessing we stagger on, yet some, a very few, in agony and grief, come to question the "gifts" bestowed. Without shame or guilt I confess many things about myself that in "seemly"
civilization, culture or current society are obscene by intimately sharing my process of finding sanity. Something one of my mentors calls "Emotional Sobriety."
Before moving forward as I must; given the limits of my life. Feeling and instinct inform me little is left. I would not say goodbye to those I love. Tho silent I love them nonetheless, perhaps more so absent their behavior of greed for healing. No saint or healer I am limited to directing their attention yet when given they rebut, or "Yeah But!" me into silence and a fury arises which I distrust. In some sense they want to be taken seriously while avoiding their pain and grief. Suffering being the best indicator of needed change in perception and process towards a place of peace, joy and forgiveness.
I speak from a lifetime of suffering, the details of which are eclipsed by those of others, I have come to know intimately. Leading me to attempt the, once thought, impossible: to forgive and have compassion for myself for I am as always was useless to those in need. Otherwise.
I understand that there is life after death. Of which I've had glimpses and remained alive. I am a person first; all other aspects of my life serve that being. It follows that what I see must be seen with your own eyes. It is more magnificent than I can photograph, paint, or say through the agency of literature or poetry . . . I will continue to do so for my own pleasure having found a voice.
Of those I've now leave behind in this closing season before the winter; a sabbatical for needed rest; the earth to sleep for a time and then be renewed. I know them in far more capable hands than mine. And thus in sincere reverence for them held and the holder I bless both with the light of my love.
Amen.
121020 04:33 in a sense or way
Alone, not lonely, but celibate for the love of all women discovered in the Mother of The Skies witnessed each dawn; the night eclipsed by dawn. Slow royal blue speckled with stars and then the ordinary day begins.
For at lifetime I have recited the great prayer: "The Lord's Prayer." Finding nothing. Perhaps boredom, obligation, recitation and yet after all these years the words began to sprout seedlings become trees magnificat.
I love too deeply to not pray for forgiveness: this violence for and against within me; and for others who act out towards everyone indiscriminately.
For the want of hearing, being heard and acknowledged as we are; not as others would have us be. As for this self who writes I can never leave behind, save in death, the "be gone." Or sense of being unworthy of life. An accident, litter, waste of time, food, clothing and so on and on.
So it is in this experience that I identify with those who terrorize others -- and -- in a profound sense why I must love myself; my greatest adversary: myself.
Who.
Given the opportunity to savage my nettlesome petty thieves of time, those who prance their naked poverty of self-loathing, ignorance, seeking to take, or rape me, instead of knowing themselves . . . becoming addicted to power like heroin. The biggest bully, the one making the most noise is simply a child terrified attempting to avoid a world of change.
Creation and evolution are synonymous. Of, by, for, from the same author manifest in different forms. It matters not who takes leadership; the difference is leading yourself to completion becoming the best you can; and want to be. The only desire, longing and competition worthy of personal attention. Listen to your beating heart in silence and hear the answers.
All else is slavery to The Man, The Corporation, The Supreme Court, what and when you eat, sleep, give or not give birth to a family, or yourself inseminated and giving virgin birth to that which you long to be.
Want to be President? Fine. Just remember if you enslave or hurt you pay. Not now but later. I have ideas, ideals, dreams, myths and omens but no clear reading of what happens after life. However I ask you to consider your life; are you fully alive? Are you a Banker or a wannabe Blackjack dealer in Reno, NV. It is one thing to look and act as eccentric as you want; if everyone else in your generation is doing the same thing; it is conformity to an illusion not real freedom.
In recent days I have polled several women of various ages and backgrounds; discovered Romney/Ryan don't have a chance. If they do "win" we will not loose, not right away but sooner or later because they will enslave us to their agenda. And like all the bad guys before kill millions of other people who don't look like us but are actually our family.
You and I will not have the privilege of knowing what they do because They now control and or/are about to censure free access to the Internet, birth control, the right to vote, the choice to marry regardless of gender combinations.
As adults by maturity, not age, we must ignore those who say; "I am your Leader!, Do as I say!"
Why?
Because a true leader enables you to be the best your are without their telling you what to do. Everything has consequence. To not know your personal value by self measure is to be amongst the living dead. Power and money are addictions for which there is never enough. Love can be an addiction but I ask you to consider that love is a verb; not a yawing rictus of greed never receiving enough.
Often I wish I were one/trillionth part as clever at times i seem to myself. Yet upon truth awakening: realize it all has been said before. And better told than I can recount from my own life. So vain is it. We all are equally beloved of the creator.
121020 09:03 alone
©2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved
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