Isolation and estrangement best describes me to myself as I was from an early age. Trusting strangers easily and shy of my parents, ashamed of myself and the 'family' I came from; early on learned to keep secret my secret humiliation. In AA and/or most, if not all twelve step programs I learned that "We are no Better than the Secrets we keep . . . "
The ellipsis implies there is more, but most never go that far, or nearly as far as I've come. Or at that do I intend to go. My Higher Power is infinite and my intention, for a very long time, has been to go as far as going goes.
Both parents were alcoholics.
Meaning that they were significantly impaired by drinking; their personalities altered substantially if not radically.
The before and afterward of two events in my life, trying beyond endurance were Randy's death and my abandonment of Susan, my then wife who I frequently refer to as the-bride-of-my-youth in that I loved her from the third grade of elementary school Old Greenwich, Connecticut.
Ah Ha!
Epiphany:
My father thought it wonderful to be from Greenwich, of which Old Greenwich is a section of. And my mother apparently--dependent--upon him went along. Her behavior, as was Susan's, until both at a certain point decided upon independence: Mother took as lover a young man who served as clerk in our business. Susan decided to become an Episcopal Priest.
Typical in my observation when one partner becomes significantly 'changed' thus a stranger; the one stuck in their ways leaves.
What had mystified me for years and years -- Susan's inability the express pain or fear -- I thought overwhelmingly, indicative of her lack of feelings. The clue, resolving a great mystery to me is that she like mom was silent; as I was taught so were they. To be seen and not heard; pets. Slaves to their parents.
My adaption was to assume responsibility for their choice in behavior to me; to control myself in relationship to people out of control. Could it be that I became the parent to two children? Therefore write as the adoptive parent (surrogate 'higher power' to) the world sans my family: two dead biological in origin and one by adoption now fled. M, apparently healing me is equally silent and until recently unrevealing of her real self. "Real Self" in the kind and degree of willingness to reveal ourselves to another . . . what she has done for me is to make not a lamb but a mouse into a Lion. If a 'lion' then an odd combination of male/female since male lions are essentially not killers. Typical of all males they just make a great deal of noise. Or like junk yard dogs; none at all.
Curious I went to AA to understand my potentially being alcoholic in personality. Low and behold here I am free of that concern and all the difficulties of my life; including my death. Free to love myself as I was, am, will be. I care not whether I live or die since I know my Higher Power will guide and express intentions for me obviously as God has.
My fundamental definition of love is to accept were as Islam means to submit; same/same. I do not 'fear' God as implied from my reading of our Bible; I am fearless because of God. The Oriental Wisdom traditions do not acknowledge "God" but, in a sense, a "Higher Power" unknowable. The emphasis is knowing yourself; advocated by both Occidental and Oriental 'spiritual' mind sets; or perceptions of 'truth.' No wonder I despise The Theological Tango. . .about but not of God.
My initial motive in this post is to thank and praise those who in response have shared their impression of what I wrote and thus placed 'sticky notes' on my, invisible to me, self. Add to which in very significant ways, what I do that disables my core ideals. Rage against the blight of those who don't know themselves. Addicted to their unknowing would and do defend it by killing anything that is inconvenient to their sense of right and wrong or what might otherwise lead them to consider their behavior as inadequate. e.g. Make laws to protect and make noble their greed. Tainting the world with cupidity and enslaving all else.
There is one God and of God is expressed in part or whole the essence of Love. Darwin expressed his sense the purpose and evolution of life by saying; "only the strong survive" meaning not individual animals but the gradual evolution from amphibian to flight. Outrageous abuse of the writers craft; what can I tell you I'm no writer but a fool in love with God.
120906 01:11 isolation
© 2012 by Jack Spratt - All Rights Reserved
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