120722
2238 apprehension
Apprehension
a very tense word pointed at my eyes the recognition or conviction
that I will for what remains of my life be celibate
in
recognition I sense I've shattered my sword placed the remains in a
baptismal font and smashed my face forcefully into the shards
though
I cringe at the thought never again to enter a woman's body it makes
sense of all that I've discovered of myself since in reality the joy
of this solitude is more than any other before or anticipated
I
laugh at my for prior superlatives first reading of a book, orgasm,
kiss and so on None of which compare to this moment the now being in
eternity without dying to do so: Joy endless definitive and
integrated what more could Heaven offer? Yet, face to face I long to
know the why of the 6 & 60 million deaths? And whether the end of
mercy and forgiveness the highest end of love absolute
Yet
I will, by grace and the creek don't rise, be with my beloved M
tomorrow who incredulously acknowledges me as few other women before;
merely hinted at. Shunned as fire showering upon my self loathing and
perpetual ideation of suicide
Long
held: Love begins with acceptance of self wholly transparent the dark
& light the breadth, width, depth and height; requites for the
virgin birth of a self mindful of precious time. Immeasurable the
pain of being by a grain of sand defended against the soul's
suffering worth the birthing; long and arduous. A pearl pulsing
pearlescent. A new star & solar system another universe beyond
the beyond – extruded born of a black hole event horizon.
Hyperbole? No. Simply loving myself unacceptable to others but only
to God.
I
a warrior trained by Ignatius not ordained Jesuit wearing the frock
but by his 18th Annotation. Flung a boomerang lofted
toward the infinite starry starry night a flight never returned self
defined self derived self sacrificed self motivated and answered by
love notes from God: Quotes, passages, phrases, sighs and grimaces;
novels of one or two words: Love, Jesus wept.
To
close: Of fours mentioned here and there represent feeling, thinking,
intuition, sensing what was perfectly balanced in the ideal man of
Jesus add to which he being so balanced was neither woman or man but
both; asexual – Read please C. G. Jung on animus/anima.
For
me the number four was despicable reminding me that I was held back
in the fourth grade separating me from the few friends and
socialization I had. Yet upon discovery myself a four on the scale of
9 types, The Enneagram, Sufi oral tradition character definitions
brought to American by Jesuits in the 1950s; I discovered it to be
accurate regarding significant elemental aspects of my Self. Chief
among them was a potential to, implied or inferred, help others by
knowing myself.
It
is not for myself that I write, though I know not how -- but why. It
for healing others equally damaged by trauma, rape, slavery, abuse,
abandoned, ignored and especially for those returned from war victims
of Post Traumatic Shock Disorder (PTSD)
120723
03:22
Pilot
asked, “are you King of the Jews?” Jesus in reply said, “I am
what you say I am.”
He
was
.
. . in a dream I was told the truth and as a journalist willing to
die finding truth at the expense of my life . . . I don't work for
Mr. Murdock . . . as ever I am grateful and loyal to The Grey Lady THE NEW
YORK TIMES . . . and all journalist who died before their time Amen
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