. . . coal in your stocking for . . . Christmas

091226 13:16
“A Hard Candy . . . an Orange, or coal in your stocking for . . .  Christmas“ it goes on-and-on.
. . . response to random insights Christmas Day:
I want to narrow my focus to people in trouble. Who isn’t?
Specifically I am, at the moment, concerned for people like me, boys & girls, women & men, for whom Christmas was a disappointment for most of their lives. For me, this celebration was dominated by savage suicidal depression. I have a number a statistics, personal and world-wide, to rationalize my negative mood. Yet buried within myself are several exceptional scenarios of surprise and delight. Which, when, and if, they were remembered, saved my day & life.
Think of Sunday, in the backseat--family car---do people do that these days? Multiply fifty-two times infinity, remembering when you waited patiently for “it to be over” and that was my Christmas for sixty-eight years.
“Are we there yet?”
Was met with violence--physical or emotional--to myself and/or sister.
I personally, have no time, left in my life, to write all the poems, novels, movies and plays potential in my negative memories. I am too conscious of those children we seldom hear about beaten to death yesterday or maybe the lucky ones who weren’t otherwise hurled from speeding cars, abandoned or simply burned alive, or drown.
My son died December 10th, 1976.
My grandfather killed himself with a shotgun blast to the groin, at or around the same time, years before, then bleeding out over a period of ten or more days afterwards.
My very best Christmas, before yesterday, was as a volunteer for a suicide intervention ‘hot line.’ It was a bit like giving a child a magnificently wrapped gift, having that child tear open the box, discard the wrapping, take one look at the surprise, lay it aside and then spend the rest of the day playing with the box.
Co-Dependency is a problem, and solution, that applies to my current stability, sanity and celebration of all life--now--including Christmas, yesterday.
No one is asking me to repay my gratitude for 12 Step Programs but I feel it important “to pay my dues” in thanksgiving thus attempt making healing available for others who suffer.
. . . Christmas Day
1.) Stockholm Syndrome became conscious to me.
2.) I had a savage and terrifying dream rendering me estranged & disabled from all love and peace; present, past, future.
3.) While recording the specifics of my ‘nightmare’ I became aware of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy -- Fabricated or induced illness (FII)
. . . There is no resource available to people who refuse to enter into their FEELINGS. Many choose addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, crime, gambling, eating; the list is overwhelming--instead.
. . . Avarice is the opposite extreme of addictions listed above; celebrated, emulated and ‘worshiped’ as demonstrated; our current “Religion & Governance.”
I am in love with women, and long for them . . . well . . . one; actually. But sexual intimacy is impossible between us. Off the table, and not on the menu. I am aware of their abuse by other men before me; father, brother, uncle, sons--'husband(s).'
Men, generally never grow to maturity, emotionally or spiritually, and we are viciously greedy to use women. It is not penetrative sex exclusively--but inappropriate attention does the same thing--enslaving women, making them cripples and victims forever.
I will close here and do more research.
I'll get back to you with this closing observation/conclusion:
To make love with another soul, heart, mind is gratification raised to the third power & Higher.