120615 12:03

We who live lives in our minds hearts consciousness unified eventually succumb to the Creator of the creator in us Finally seduced irrevocably by loving attention and kindness we die in obscurity and at times perchance to be discovered self aborted then prized as The Caged Birds who sang retrospectively now awarded obscenely by those whose only creation was greed hoarded everything except a self bereft of a live lived for others creativity so joyous that lives endlessly martyred would arise from death endlessly resurrected to do it again for joy the agony of love and divinity of these moments of silence in which God speaks to us.

Divinity must in some sense look like me lusting for the young mother whose beauty is astonishing, the child begot, the mother of the begotten, and the begetter all vessel who in origin three dolls within dolls not wooden but whole fecund lubricious flesh and then I recognize myself as both a lusty old goat and one who would give his eyes, mind, sexuality, everything for them to be well.

Generous?

Perhaps but the words come easily the death actual painfully bereft finally forsaken in departure choose to affirm the divinity of those left behind to carry on and on in life or living death?

To posit a thesis in the sanctuary of your Self and falling exhausted have it answered in such exquisite explosive logic is had I were I otherwise would terrify previously yet it did/done time and again when I fell humiliated into my personal well of hell again to climb to die so many times & be resurrected is to know in death the true value of life lived in nearly any mean or measure still a treasure but it is Okay to die Life has become unlivable the world pillaged, looted, burned and raped for the benefit for a few. Those friends of mine are no fiends or candidates for exorcism so I pity them their self abortion not by election but genetic The inability to have merciful compassion or empathy to slake their greed so obscenely demonstrated serial masturbation rape execution of life indiscriminate endlessly reprised rehearsed their audience fellow addicts no end in sight.

Fight Club?

Congress having congress with itself contemptuous a carnival freak show to call them whores is to applaud them since whores perform useful functions noble in fact and deed so call the daily news a circle jerk with a few little girls giggling on the side lines.

We will be known for the number of Strange Fruit we've slain through our celebrated perversions powerfully displayed Frank Buck with his shoe upon the Elephant

I wish the Native Americans had had the Big One to counter the Mayflower.

&/or habeas corpus vacated.

Perhaps maybe maybe not the practice of aborting the family and fortune of those caught in crimes against mankind free market capitalism socialism for the Rich & Famous unspeakable acts against nature should be expunged forward and backward their gene pool eradicated as I'm informed was once practiced in old Rome and then by the KGB. To invoke or provoke such harsh strident extreme measures would give me no slack since I'd be the first taken by what Judge? God? No I trust God's mercy for my follies and circus acts as I must yours.

. . . times they are a changing and we're blowing in the wind

We were never told by Our or Their wisdom book authored by god? To stay snug in Safe Harbor as a ship of fools or an ark of the New Covenant we must sail on until there is freedom for all. We are One body a corpus of divinity not criminals.

120615 06:33

love notes

between

the

numinous

&

i

dare

I

publish

?

to love is to love forever

more

becoming love

in turn

for all

most of all for the Beloved

who loving us all

adores us

She is me
I am her
we are communion
with light
darkness ahead
holds no fear
we are hospice
we love all
others

amen

120610 05:26 grief

I've been free falling into the abyss of death for a very long lone time. Nearly equal have been sexual thoughts: seen in retrospect the real issue was sensuality & touch. It is tasteless to live without touch. I know this as the central locus of my continual grieving for my daughter who died in custodial care at the age of eighteen months. Sometimes before I give up and end the life I have suffered, I remember that somewhere another is able to see through her eyes donated by my daughter through The Lions Club. Then I am able to take another breath and survive another minute. It gets that bad. Sometimes you just have to take life, breath by heart beat, or minute by minute.

Unaware until this moment it, her lingering lonely death, is perhaps the nexus of my intention and motivations to serve those about to die in hospice care. I refuse to be a “Poster Boy” or vain in this regard since as mendicant I receive far more than I am capable of giving. I am humiliated not humble. It is dangerous to ask God to inhabit your heart, mine being so small and finite and once, or so I thought then, immutable as I did The Who is friend & beloved constant and true.

My dearest friend in the cosmos at least the one with a body asked me how I was doing with Nicoreet? To which I replied, “they interfere with my coffee.” My son drown in his blood from Leukemia and my father was unconscious, in a coma for five weeks from COPD and now though I gurgle light it up first cup!

A horny old toad am I. Remembering now a foxy book seller who replied to my statement regarding the folly of committing suicide by cigarettes; “Well. You know the Sufi Masters smoke to keep from exploding?” Oh Lord God and Holy Choirs of Angels that was so long ago; possibly too late to really care. So maybe I'm practicing for my own lingering or briefly experienced dying or death?

120612 01:36

a number of solar systems have passed beneath my keel since I started the above and now

sadness struck personally with the death of a kitten well remembered and left behind in my quest to now this old man who writes crying and giggling in the night becoming day

Add to which before departing last evening from hospice in dialog with three nurses women of young to median age I heard the oldest a grandmother say I wouldn't want to be either my daughters or their children living into the future

While I ask silently What Future? I attempt to curb my mouth since I read the anguish and angst of those about to die and the young people without a future stolen by the Corporations gaming the system stealing our lives and resources and using the profits to prophecies their sense of justice Being the Greatest War Criminals in all time

But then I am equally a criminal in that I allow them to go on and on killing in my name having stolen the blood, sweat and tears of my grandmother who took in sewing

I have an exquisite sense of Exxon and Wal-Mart both are criminal in their behavior towards their employees and the governments they purport to 'serve' under they buy politicians who cry “More Jobs” but what sort of jobs more nearly slavery without remission.

120611 04:44

stealing across fire mountain, what the first natives called the Organ Mountains, is a new day more over announcing a new me not reconfigured or renewed simply another birth no merely the body in decay dying but a new self irrevocably altered changed in process becoming

what?

transits of planets and lives are equally physics it is the adored Eternal silently enters my day a new life begins Christmas, Easter, Resurrection another day

yesterday was another wholly different gold fish bowl into which the rays of dawn brought Alan Clements a lapsed Buddhist monastic who made greater sense of the inevitable integration between self and others and all of us via Public Radio's “New Dimensions” Program Number: 3433 “THE WORLD DHARMA OF FREEDOM AND NON-VIOLENCE with ALAN CLEMEN”

http://www.newdimensions.org/

http://soundcloud.com/worlddharma/alan-clements-interview-a

http://www.worlddharma.com/

by nature I join nothing but do participate in the lives of others to the degree allowed by them yet in annotating this encounter considered deeply over the past 24 hours I've come to sense the meaning of integration and/or constellation better . . . listen and judge for yourself . . . enter the steams of light hyper linked above

“I'll take thy word for faith, not ask thine oath; Who shuns not to break one will sure crack both.”

--William Shakespeare

120612 00:48

a few closing thoughts before I post this and move on

I in retrospect whilst immersed in other equally important more pressing in my face issues remembered the impression Alan made upon/within me . . . His charisma and sincerity in a time of disingenuous to use a very useful Christian term: His “witness” made sense to me

as for “joining” anything I have given my heart to God and my body to hospice they combined are my family, my church and my reason for letting the fresh air blow the stink off my body Otherwise I'd write myself to death

Alan this young to me man wades into issues that address issues where political 'angels' fear to tread in streams of molten lava where he is in the best company I have ever known at least this time this life I'm prepared to leave yet I would tarry or return in spirit or body simply for the children so often abandoned to the vagaries of war while the fat cats profit and our selves and progeny die.

If you read me you should take the opportunity to listen to him

if not now when? Do we The People take back our lives from the slave holders; give me liberty or give me death.

be well.

    Looking like 79 miles hard road rode until exhausted and put up wet he sat in Tom Young’s Fitness Center’s, Las Cruces, New Mexico, dressing room. I guess he declined my idea of writing up an article with photographs for publication about his recent kidney replacement. I gave him my card and credentials. A thumbnail of the experience follows.
    There is no privacy in a men’s locker room, I was late for water aerobics and tarried to hear his tale. My interest not limited to his miracle four years in waiting but also the concern for the bad press received by The Veteran’s Administration.
    A Viet Nam veteran his need obvious but the wait nearly killed him. Late one recent night the local police called saying, “You have one and a half hours to board a plane in El Paso bound for Nashville, they have a kidney for you.”
    Accompanied by his daughter they arrived and boarded a Lear Jet, some forty miles distant, they the only passengers. The plane failed over Memphis. After critical delays they were chauffeur driven to Nashville where he received the kidney of a recently deceased nineteen-year-old girl. The staff chief surgeon, a thirty-five-year old female, in reply to his query, “does that mean I’ve breasts and a bubble butt?”
    “No. It just means you’ll have to squat to pee.”
    Such is life in these United States of America. In a time of crisis and anxiety we, a people of grit, know life goes on.
    In another instance of father Vet and daughter; during conversation at Mountain View Memorial Center I leaned that her father, one of only six, had been blown off the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor and survived. Seems he never sweats the ‘small stuff’ either, insisting that she drive him to the hospital during a heart attack which he also survived. An otherwise $600 ride.
    We the people should be proud to be who we are as citizens. As for myself, living in this Land of Enchantment, New Mexico, I know that the survivors of the Bataan Death March still celebrate surviving the event arriving in Japanese cars. It changes a person to know such people. It makes me proud too.

120607 22:14 new kidney

120607 19:41
    Across the years down the days to this moment I find surprise in a life blest beyond all that I know in others. Principle amongst these blessings is the fact that though painful at the time I grew to maturity in two different venues:

    1.) Rural a transition point for the Underground Railroad on the Ohio River
    2.) Greenwich Connecticut one of the three wealthiest communities in the then world

    I sensed myself in those growing years incapable of learning within the vocational context of public school. Remembering best being admonished by a Colonel's wife, my fourth grade teacher, someone I then described as having flown past the class room on her broom, purple hair and all: “Don't you want to grow up and earn $10,000.?”

    That was in the '50s right now I am living on less than $13,000. Social Security annually yet am at peace and happy though I intuit my classmates in Greenwich at least some have stolen not merely my fortune but processing their competitive greed have destroyed the world's economy . . . I'd love to use the recently acquired Navy phrase; “Who f__ked the pooch?” here.

    Without malice/rancor/vengeance envying no one or anything I appraise my next course of study in the Hard School of Life's Knocks--my pleasure and joy--but mostly for you and for all of us. Seeking a measure of: adapt, improvise and prevail in a time of extreme anxiety and attentions of the Authorities those fools who lead us astray.

    We are what we consume food, air, water, news, education and opinions of others. And I have a concern that we are being psychologically factory farmed as slaves to the intentions of those who essentially are psychotic having virtually no compassion since they lack the gray matter to do so. Not their fault but when they institutionalize their theft of our lives, the lives of our children and pets, our future and the very existence of our species upon this home our planet . . . well then . . . I do protest.

    The subtext of my personal education, ongoing, is Power, addiction, grief, love, crimes against humanity, unusual practices of convenience to the few at the expense of all others. We or Us. Add to which I would know if allowed the full measure of that which, or who, created us to begin with; not from idle curiosity but from love for the beloved.

    I can, as you may and can, be anything you long to become. It follows that prayerfully I request God's will for us that we give not steal as most do arrogantly. This self same irreverent child's mind enabled me to survive stoically the depredations and slanders of my time and parentage.

    Though I had shelter food and clothing my tutelage was in the school of indifference otherwise. To my dismay I judge, applying the same standards to myself, the current rulers of the world, the Corporations, have essentially destroyed the family idealized and made fear mongering the dominant form of control the masses they disabled to consume their products.

    With hope and love we learn how to survive first then thrive living fully at peace with ourselves. I intuit that to God all life is precious. Even those who persecute us and steal the world in their competitive race for profit.

    Anger and rage are byproducts of fear. In their turn they own us so long as we allow it. By entering mine after a very long time I am now free as we can all be.

   Be well.

120606 04:21

Conservative in the extreme I do obeisance & kowtow to what made me so
in all praise supplication and prostrations reverent gratifications gracious prayer
dance song petition silence mindless void yawing emptiness absorption of whom
by any and all names remains the Creator of all things gracious and good.

The Whoness of Who i am is your servant unto nothingness forever more nameless soul who selfless blind no eyes or “I's” ego id would follow all and any Prophets speaking of THE ALL by any name creed deed gender celibate corporate merger color paring mating celebrating cohabitation collaboration co creation no arms or limbs incline inspired by you defining Love as Self declared manifest in absence free will god?

In/By chance/choice childless accidental or war or travesty greed creed selfishness the soul given form formless aborted remains resilient this fragile thing called life manifest biodegradable heard in whoooing train night passing echoing across the valley waterless smoke tinctured earth on fire charred wasteland every fallen leaf remarked and purposeful god? pray for us!

120606 05:30…notes to myself a soul in process

“The impulse of power is to turn every variable into a constant, and give to commands the inexorableness and relentlessness of laws of nature. Hence absolute power corrupts even when exercised for humane purposes. The benevolent despot who sees himself as a shepherd of the people still demands from others the submissiveness of sheep. The taint inherent in absolute power is not its inhumanity but its anti-humanity.” --Eric Hoffer, in The Ordeal of Change (1963), Ch. 15 : The Unnaturalness Of Human Nature

Atonement: I am guilty of assuming that badge rank symbol of power is an accomplished fact or Fiat money—in others as well as myself. It is not what role we play, the costumes, postures & words: but what we do that matters. And is finally the judge jury and executioner of us: “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.” --Albert Einstein

Do no harm--please--choose wisely!

I feel/intuit/sense/think I am 'called' as vocation to use my own words without resource/recourse to those of others discovered in quotes. And though I am confident I will fail this ideal, real, imagined, implied or inferred—it now seems best that I stand a deliver what I can as I am here and now these final moments of life left; many or few.

This also — that I live, I consider a gift of God. --Ovid

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be. --Rumi

In civilized life, where the happiness and indeed almost the existence of man, depends so much upon the opinion of his fellow men. He is constantly acting a studied part. --Washington Irving

120606 08:03

    I am at times ambivalent & others confident that I should make available, fully, this process which I experience as a dialog with God. I too was once shut down crushed beneath the weight of my fears and inadequacies but now I surrender as Jesus did and submit in the sense of Islam as Mohammad said to the will and gift ever present in what we call “God” who by any other name will remain a rose is a rose forever thorny or thorn less regardless the names applied.

    “Higher Power” works equally and is synonymous; implied and/or inferred. All institutions  at birth are miraculous yet age, then decay and die; given their governance and accountancy by imperfect and fallible fools such as i.

    In a sense, for now at least, I will continue to share this self-evisceration for those who in reading what I write—the greatest joy I've ever known, none barred—-might profit. I long to be forgotten, it is my nature to love others ever more highly than myself. It follows when in doubt regarding motive I remember my children. The child I begot out of wedlock = Lising = Living in sin however briefly the child then aborted and now mourned equally to those 'licit.' The brother/sister unknown following my birth by one year aborted—and now, even now I weep for them the lives they never lived. And of the daughter adopted, abandoning each other, I am speechless with grief and her daughter and new friend too.

    Of all the many forms of divination I know this seems most effective for me. Supplanting both meditation and contemplation it's form follows flowing from my training between the hammer and anvil of life in the University of Hard Knocks . . . could it be my unconsciousness of prayer continual?

    I ignorant of the art, craft and institutional/classical sense of How To Write. I know only my desire/why to write and will close with the thought that instead of a Prayer Wheel what I publish for now will resemble a Word Wheel: thought, association, inspiration; with attendant information: cause and effect. . . .The following discovered in process by multitasking; my current practice. I.E.:

--Boris Marshalov
“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens, then everybody disagrees.”

--G. Weatherly
"Forgiving those who hurt us is the key to personal peace."

--Paul Valery (Poet)
"An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it."
“At times I think and at times I am.”
“Conscience reigns but it does not govern.”
“God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.”
"Great things are accomplished by those who do not feel the impotence of man. This ... is a precious gift."
"Love is being stupid together."
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."
“What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves.”

. . . the latter, just for the hell of it!

The greatest evil I have ever known resides within me and it is by choice, given the opportunity, not to kill, abuse, use, take, steal, covet . . . you know the drill. It predates “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS” by millennium and stemming from Gilgamesh approximately five thousand years before our version graven in stone.

"They who give have all things; they who withhold have nothing." --Hindu Proverb

120607 0113

    trilling thrilling awakening my mockingbird singing to me awake get up jump and shout! mendicancy thoughts could it possibly be that like Jonathan Winters Robin Williams I am as equally self abandoning to make you laugh? m&m lunching talked about those events most memorable to the several cinematic recapitulation she described seeing Winters climb a flag poll to the very top whereupon he wavered forth and back shortly the butterfly catchers stretched his hands arms etc behind his back disappearing from the audience he'd collected . . . Oh well swell what I image was recorded on film for which I paid a price to view she saw in the flesh as usual and Dave Brubeck too.
    I think wolves sleep better than I do
    I know so and celebrate no snarky ranchers killing me with bated traps on public lands where normally I'd be safe to make a living too in the Republicans of Death. So pardon me while I disappear in my slappy high heels wearing sixteen coats in 111 degrees chrome Nazi helmet and red nosed too.
    I've just reinvented my persona for now ever awhile Slappy Jack Giant Killer at least I don't have Dick Cheney's arm up my backside flapping my jaw talking ventriloquy through my wooden head. The New proposition seems self propelled.
    The nature of creative ecstasy is to be who you want to be when you want it. Annie, my cat, just stares when I roll my eyes, wiggle my ears and flail my tongue from ear to ear. And ordinary female would call the buttery fly catchers. In this case I'm not sure who owns whom. Maybe we're just a pair of bookends self propelled derived and defined.

. . . a sad note in parting with Ray Bradbury whose “Dandelion Wine” I first read in high school and said to my History Teacher when requested to deliver my homework, “I've escaped!” Walked away. 

"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down." by him of course!