rebirth

Significant women in my life, those I came to know well, were at birth delivered/attended by some difficulty similar to my own. Revealed by mom, whether in anger or in response to my curiosity, I cannot now remember. But the birth was difficult for her: fifty-eight hours of dry labor alone.

For me, this birthing process, leaving one mode of life for another, is reminiscent of those times I wish I'd never been born. Difficult, principally for encountering my vanities, the much and many articles of things annotating passages from indifference to self care, if not love of self.

For the second night in a row I have awoken beset with a frenzy to capture quotes made by women I’d never heard of and cannot, obviously, know. But then I have an unusual and unreasonable fondness and reverence for women generally. By which I have, after a long time, begun to know the difference is not merely physical, but profoundly psychological in their attitudes towards life itself  Great stamina, long term strength, devotion and dedication to the on going of all life.

Of the men I’ve known well, but never so well as women, they were without exception reverent to a woman as equals. Refusing to inhabit a half-world wherein women are secondary, victims or slaves.

Significantly, as part of my daily methodology, I weave, back-and-forth between writing and collecting quotes. In the process I discovered Pam had sent me an email, once more, lifting my head above the despondency of sorting through my vanities. What I had hoped to leave at the time of my death to others. Who in their turn would merely dispose of things I must considered to carry forward or abandon meticulously. There is very little that I identify with in terms of articles or furnishings. Yet buried beneath piles of neglect are things of actual value; the remains of what I failed to destroy or abandon in the past.

130621 MDT 06:05

Wringing my peace is dawn this longest day of the year. Fears that I seldom addressed, possibly the last? Hopefully! The love I know and anticipate is beset with concern that I will, as I was in childhood, be a ‘bad person’. Annie, my companion, a cat, is one of many pets beginning in infancy, to accompany me through life. Their lives truncated by accident, disease and disappearance . . . or disappeared from my keeping, as first was later discovered in the keeping and companionship of my mothers uncle John. Mozart lived twenty years and prior to my discovery I never knew where my crib mate went.

Of the women I have loved, desiring companionship with, unreasonably, both are fond, no, more like, love animals unreasonably; at that, all animals. Mother, however was not one. Since as a child she brought home stray kittens and her mother drowned them in front of my mother; poverty being a stern teacher. That said, whenever a cat or dog escaped from her keeping it was always my fault for which I was beaten both physically and emotionally savagely. In retrospect I have begun to conclude all lives given into our care and concern have their own agenda, fate and destiny over which it is not totally incumbent upon us to die bereaved at their loss. Then too there is the simple realization that the animals did flee the ‘home’ mother provided them being in essence house pets. As with pets so with me until now the last fears wrung from me. Stasis has caused me anguish beyond my endurance daily in process progressing towards the inevitable move. An unknowable, until now, expectation of grief beyond endurance should Annie run away, be accidentally killed or terrified beyond my ability to reassure her that she will be well in our new home and family; Pam has two dogs, both of whom have lived with cats before.

Animals seem to have an instinct for what we are personally, benign or fearful. In fact many characteristics I might once attribute to myself as intuition have apparently evolved into and ability to assess potential friends leading me to trust both M & P emphatically.

In recent converse with M I said; “It’s all your fault, you did after all suggest I volunteer for hospice service!” In significant ways they are clones. Lending me an organic sense of our relationships as divinely given and ineluctable/ineludible [archaic]/inescapable/unavoidable. A fate and destiny towards I go. Albeit, until recently, haltingly. Giving away possessions possessing me appropriately to others who will make good use of them. Annie, however, is entirely another matter for she is a friend since our joining one another five years ago.

Startled to realize that time frame roughly describes the current tenure of my friendship with M . . . a love that will extend beyond the distance between us and/or life. Convicting me that we are, all one family in life, stemming from Mozart, both the cat and composer, who slept with me in my crib through my long lonely life. Until now that is.

Did I just say “long lonely life”? Yes. Until recent time I have considered myself poison, a bad person, unwilling to be completely real to anyone including myself. What began with M will go on, a process of becoming a whole person. Better and better—day by day.

130620 MDT 03:00 birth

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

tolerance

The peace I know upon awakening within the cyclonic change, surfing rogue waves, somewhat akin to awakening before execution at dawn is: Attributable to my merciless engagement with vanity, my own.

Stripping my sense of self naked to enter a new land, indicated by intuition born four years ago. The actual sight of which, myself naked, is to me merely a road map of experience; but otherwise the body of a boy become an old man laughing at him self.

Less able, or willing, to conceptualize The Author of All Things as either male or female, but something, utterly, else. By whom all are called to be lovers of life. . . .For all living. Of the few who answer, some remain more notable than others; annotated by their martyrdom for inconvenience to the prevailing ideals; thereafter become idols for a few who remain the general average mass. My sense here is that both love and greed are treated as cults; blindly followed without thought or regard to the consequences. With the greater force and power demonstrated for the choice of greed. For which an enormous number of people are martyred to ‘prove’ the ‘truth’.

My version/vision of Jesus is a balanced person of equal energy within both the feminine and masculine, incorporating a balanced use of all sensing functions: thought, feeling, intuition and sense . . . being inherently both lion and lamb. My inconvenient, even to myself, concept is resulting broadcast over a wider population defined differently as by their professions, yet moved by the same inspiration of kindness and generosity.

I seek no consistency save for God as experienced daily. My sole ambition is that you become aware of your relationship in equal measure defined by you.

Returning to my original intention: ‘the peace I know.’ I am beset with poverty; yet book poor. Then humiliated to realize that as a child I asked God to be real to me. And within all the books I have or have read, there is most nothing but talk about, but not the experience I have surrendered/submitted to . . . happily so. Obviously grace implies no exclusivity nor guarantee of oblivion. I will move forward horn of my bulwarks against all former denial that grace can touch me in my child like innocence. With faith that hitherto has brought me to fearless peace.

In these closing hours in Las Cruces there is a immutable sadness. While I thought of the books given away and those retained, my sadness was for my misconception of what poetry is. Yet ever more so for the friends I leave behind. There being nothing better than being face-to-face . . . I have life for now knowing it will end sooner or later; as with all loves there is a beginning middle and end. Who loves us is unending and in that conviction I rest as person or dust.

"In hatred as in love, we grow like the thing we brood upon. 

What we loathe, we graft into our very soul."- Mary 

Renault

130618 01:58 yes Virginia

Yes Virginia—or John—or whatever your name is, absolute good exists by whatever name applied. Personal, specific, knowable and wonderful . . . and knowable if only your know yourself . . . exactly and more than 1 Corinthians 13.

In converse with Pam last evening I confessed this process of moving towards her is killing me. Not certain I implied or stated that death seemed too often a quick release. But then Annie would drawn near and rub her head against my leg and I knew if nothing else I must move on. I love her nearly as much as Pam, M, and the Interlocutor; she is as much me as she.

I am candid to the point of being obnoxious and will let stand what preceded this entry. The point I would make is not convenient to what I understand as literary convention: to edit oneself into the simplest and most elegant form for clarity.

My convention is operable for me and continues to prove a better methodology than anything I have yet discovered to supplant it. In my alteration between this writing and collecting quotes, especially on Wikiquote, I am clubbed senseless to discover that the real issue behind my current distress is: Not that I will loose those mementoes I collected in manic enthusiasm, but that I have not only, not read them, but more tellingly would never read them in this or any lifetime were I to have ten thousand lives. This is humiliating to me for I advocate that you read instead of seeking truth though all other metaphors for it; truth that is.

I am eclectic in the extreme drawing information from a vast array of sources. And, to myself, able to be moved towards greater truths via the virus of an idea — bored with apology or exposition — in myself or the author to reconcile the idea within the context of current culture.

Truth is where you find it and must be tested as something you are willing to die for; proving nothing but your sincerity.

08:52

Bobbing mid-way upon the face / or back / or atop it / rouge wave / we two cling to one another for survival colliding mid-sea stunned.

The shelter I have inhabited for the past seven years is a maze of open cardboard boxes. The only one sealed and ready to go is Annie’s more-or-less permanent sleeping place unless otherwise in bed with me until I go; a reminder that regardless of consequence she will accompany me. Pam loves all animals, especially cats, and this old Tom.

Be well

130617 MDT 01:44 tolerance

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

pruning

Falling, mortally wounded by exhaustion, both physical and psychological, to sleep, I dream and in the dreams are dialogs. And this one was a massive endless conversation about love. In reference of which I now envision pruning the tree of myself. The less productive parts away that the tree not merely survive but grow stronger and taller . . . and it hurts!

About her is the promise of a Promised Land, what I’ve sought for a lifetime. And for which and what I am dying for. Yet my courage flags, fails, slumps like a wrung out dish towel quavering. Her courage is equal, if not greater, to mine and proven over four years organically. Love sweet and savage tending to those about to die with kindness and compassion; a love that transcends gender expression. For to see us is nothing special just two people in love inwardly blazing a conflagration.

Fiction in order to be coherent must be probable but, reality is improbable; our love affair, by any definition, is a rouge wave http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/rogue+waveupon we, for now, are surfing not submerged. I could but refuse to detail the analysis or the winds that move me about life. My sole intention being to vivify your soul into being the primary motive of living. Love, after all, is the greatest force and power, of greater value than any measure of success I know of.

If, at times, I flag and quail, it is more so this moment, in recognition of what is drawing us together. Drawn up from the ground of my being, I still think myself a “bad person” incapable of surviving the storm of love. Add to date the events, momentous in themselves, would be sufficient for an eternity absent the next moment, day, year or what might be a lifetime together; no matter how long or brief.

I think, at times, The Author of me, of us, we all, has a sense of humor terrifying; and so I know what it is to “fear the Lord” in ways both pleasurable and painful. For me this move is a kind of death bereft of any promised success. Annie, my companion cat, is of course, a part of my most serious concern: my principal reason for returning to Las Cruces. Anything else is, by descending order of importance, all that I care to take forward with me.

“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” - Nietzsche

By free and random associations quotes have become the grape shot ventilating my imagination and synchronicity. Then too, add, the various interactions between broadcast news, NPR, and various conversations and encounters. Add the mixture into the stone soup of my mind an out comes what I write; a synthesis.

“Cats are angels with fur.” - Sark

It’s the ‘smells and bells’ of my worshipful life . . . though, sometimes, as now, spindled and mutilated by exhaustion, I am impelled forward. To say I love The Author and she to whom I go towards is to say little for the experience in vast. I am a person who makes things happen, not a viewer nor a wonderer about what happened. For those I love and know well I am savage in that. . . .am I willing to sacrifice myself and Annie? I wonder! Pray for me.

Worth mentioning: Collecting quotes is for me not dissimilar to Bible Bingo; randomly opening the Bible and meditating upon what I find. Begun long ago when a minister suggested it was possible to write one self into sanity by keeping a journal. The result is a marvelous disrespect and reverence for everyone and everything. Not a slayer of the powerful so much as a jester.

To pray is not merely to lay face down upon cathedral flags saying, “Here am I send me.” It is to engage life upon the hoof entering the cyclone.

Where I go is more important than what I take with me; this simple fact makes the entire move simpler. Lighter. My concerns irrelevant. This process, begun long ago, proves itself repeatedly. Providing me with a wondrous array of options to write about. Here I am tempted to post additional clues, so stunning, even to me, that I refuse to eclipse the process in yourself; the Author’s dialog with you.

08:12

My unremitting ignorance has led me to slander those who purport public service. Thus discrediting myself wholesale. Yet following the above mentioned methodology I am gleaning an education and sense, in the near future, an ability to communicate some small insights to those like me, lifelong victims of the rich, powerful and forceful. Having forgiven my parents I now include those I once slandered. Intending to make peace possible in our time before all time ends. Conscious that no one ideology can suffice, it is we who must participate responsibly in the struggle against ignorance of how we make choices . . . did I just reinforce “Love your enemy”?

That said, I cannot love: intolerance, hate, violence, war, ignorance, fanaticism, bigotry or zealotry.

No one institution or person is my enemy since I see what is not obvious to either myself or they I address. Nothing is what it seems. It is that I was taught I was too stupid to live that has brought me thus far and too well aware of how much further there is to go. Instead of being crushed I am vivified by the challenge.

130616 MDT 03:11 pruning

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

loom of dawn

Woven together on the loom of our time, we the many dissimilar threads, which in their turn are woven by birth and life’s experience form the fabric, or tapestry, of our collective history going forward. Making the bone yard of what the next generations will stand upon. 

What will they say of us? 

Our accomplishments and failures?

If I grew to this age of seventy-two skeptical, skepticism began curling fetal beneath elementary school desks awaiting the implosion of glass windows, bricks and mortar shredding: me—school mates—the entirety of our time. Threats of extinction remain in differing forms. Most prevalent is the slander of children defined as vocational education for which we will only question at the advent of middle-age when death and boredom predominate our attention. 

Through my childhood another education was going on between two different venues: one in which material wealth was extolled. The other: a closer relationship with earthly reality was celebrated. My sense, for now, is we should try to fully inhabit our lives to the extent that what we spend, our time and resources, will grow the next generation intimate with the ground of our collective being that the world will remain the mother of us all. 

Obvious in my metaphor is equality of genders, tolerance for our manifold ways of defining good; the meaning and value of life itself. The Kingdom of The Self extends no further than one’s nose; regarding influence upon the energy that impels life forward. Yet it remains the singular Hall Mark of those whose lives were lived that we are able to choose between instant death and eternal verities. 

On the Bell Curve of mean averages, the majority live within the middle two thirds oblivious to questions I might raise. Yet for the many who sacrificed their lives that we are able to do so, should be honored in Democracy, by responsible participation.

I do not always arise from my previous rest period incandescent with inspiration. For example this morning my mind was cold mashed potatoes, or Fluffer Nutter, merely aware that I was at peace. Meaning that, retrospectively, I was in conflict with no one and nothing. For which I should, in conscious mindfulness be grateful. And I am. Yet sense a lingering resentment that noting compelled me to write until I discovered:

“Someday, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit.” - Erik Erikson

Somehow eliciting a concern for the odds against tomorrow. The peace I know does not guarantee my safety but merely my fearless focus in how to deal with it. Life happens, it begins and ends suddenly. Necessity to write is prompted by my skepticism that there will be a tomorrow for me —  or you — or all of us. Life is too precious to sell/spend amused seeking pleasure. My joy is to ask that you be a real person not a slave to anyone or thing fearlessly.

06:30

Light years seem to have passed between the above and now — I did get horizontal for a time to rest. I will close with the following quotes:

"Be open to all teachers and all teachings, And listen with your heart."

"In India, when we meet and greet and we say "Namaste", which means: I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides, I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace. I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us." - Ram Dass 

"Each of us, as we journey through life, has the opportunity to find and to give his or her unique gift.  Whether this gift is quiet or small in the eyes of the world does not matter at all—not at all; it is through the finding and the giving that we may come to know the joy that lies at the center of both the dark times and the light." 

- Helen M. Luke

130615 EDT 02:56 loom

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

moving

Moving is a pain in the sit down and heart; a death really, while one wonders is there life afterwards? Yet it, as death, is exactly what I envisioned when first considering the idea. My current residency is within an elderly community wherein it is not uncommon to see the dumpster filled with someone else idea of precious things.

And I have moved so frequently you’d think I’d know better than to collect mementoes of the various rites of passage from one modality to another. But I have, and find myself chagrined at what was once precious; indicative of a future never inhabited. Some dearly bought still sealed in shipping tape and quite expensive by any measure.

Absolutely, I am not the things that possess me, regardless of their once-upon-a-time desirability. Not “Buyers Remorse” but simple indifference since finding the most precious thing I have is myself. About which, in recent converse with M, she annotated the entire ordeal saying, “You now love yourself and no longer are indifferent to death.”

Which curiously explains my several abandonment of all that I ever did before: clippings, awards, negatives, slides and prints. Happily so, since had I not, I would otherwise have merely committed suicide placing myself in the dumpster instead of my ‘stuff.’

It follows that I am moving to another place. Not a geographical fix, so much as a welcome to love and creation of a new present and future with another person . . . a knowing of myself in, and from, a different perspective/perception swimming free of my self-imposed solitude.

Keep It Simple Stupid: The things I will leave behind are in fact mementos, bulwarks against my otherwise self-negligence, writ large and clear, 5 X 5. In this that I do: write. Absent too much rationalization I now see that in words I can penetrate the surfaces of things invoking/eliciting other and/or all senses. Whereas I formerly would simply kneel weeping at the altar of ideal idolatry; what was versus is.

The aesthetics of life are ever changing, a kind of dance by myself or with something/someone possessed by inspiration. And I’ve never been especially conservative of myself or product. In a sense what I just wrote astonishes me. I am not by nature, nurture or choice sensual. Given to stroking surfaces for tactile pleasure. Add. I conclude, for now, that I am not so much compulsively seeking the future as being impelled towards it.

A running towards, not away. Moving to inhabit/incarnate love differently in real time versus the abstract of writing about it . . . did I just imply: practice what I preach?

Nevertheless, or either way, the same result is locked in. Inescapable.

About this galling grinding time is a covert motive to simply take Annie, several dictionaries, one of three desktop computers and steal away in the dark. Leaving my apartment furnishings to be spread amongst the poor: food, clothes, pots and pans. Realizing simultaneously that I will, in the process, for several days driving, lose this most precious time when I write and collect quotes. More, or most, humbling will be to remain diligent attending all the affairs I have procrastinated: bills of course. But piled atop is the choice between which books to leave and those to carry forward. Too well aware that the books I own are seldom read, holding them as treasure for when there is time to read. Suddenly aware that I am by choice oblivious of that which I take for granted: time.

130614 MDT 02:31

First long sleep since my return from St. Johnsbury, VT: eight hours straight. My dreams were glorious, a reprise of all that I loved in others revealed in their context and time. I had fallen into emotional exhaustion and lost, essentially, my enthusiasm for what lays ahead. The evidence, made obvious, not fear, but merely being my age and able to process only so many psychically and emotionally demanding challenges. The promise of rebirth realized.

Resurrection, Reincarnation, being born again, have prevailed in my attention. Curious what that would look/be like. It is difficult for me to imagine a clone of Jesus, but a Jesus returned many times since His crucifixion in other guises. To me, now, He was a whistleblower and an anarchist, seeking the freedom of life to live free in our common hold, the earth. And we, collectively, are no more well than the secrets we keep.

I did not ask for my name, it was given by accident of birth. Yet I well know what it is to be ridiculed and vilified. I do not endorse the descent and protest of others for their violence towards me, or the collective, in that it is similar: the protest of the powerful their secrets revealed. What can we learn from either slander or praise? What we say of others often reveals what we refuse to address within ourselves. Jesus was profoundly a scape goat for all the covert violence he protested. Was He not then a true patriot of the Universe? Add, it seems clear that what He sought was sought by many others; freedom to be ourselves defined as whole, well, loving, kind and generous.

130613 MDT 02:47 moving

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

interjection

We are common dust, moistened into clay, become brick and mortar. Interjected into which is life. Precious? For me it is. And when I awoke this AM I sensed something happened in my sleep, a dream, so bewildering, I had no sense of it until I encountered the daily quotes: Wisdom and annotated experience of others. Interjections: both the dream and those whose words I seek to explain my experience to myself.

Perception is important. Especially if you rely exclusively upon your dominant inherent vision/version of what life is and for. Education is generally regarded as a survival modality; applied to endow security for which there is none, never was and never will be. But to educate yourself, continual, is how you see can liberate you from slavery. I can explain my thesis in manifold ways but for now will limit myself to the experience of being transported from one place to another as a thing: an object.

Made exceeding well aware of contrary opinions regarding the meaning and value of life itself. As did the dream awakening me. About which I will not comment, save to say that this little dust devil is aware of what moves it about the desert of our time. Add. Perhaps all time: the before and after of it as measured by the experience, collective, of all perceptions; personal and communal.

If I forgive the executioner, the theft of my privacy, the desire to control, manipulate me by fear—mainly—for the profit/pleasure of a few. I acknowledge what I now think Jesus meant when he said “forgive them.” And I know there is more to this than I can comprehend in this moment definitively. We are no different, the assassin and I, having choices not obvious to those who know nothing but their version of “TRUTH!”

The same mind set giving us prolonged life is the same mind set attempting to categorize our sexual proclivities and sell us things to keep the entire hot air balloon of our world economy aloft. So my sense of justice is balanced between both the material and immaterial. At the same time—privately—sensing myself (and choosing to be) a citizen of the universe: not limited/defined by race, creed or gender. In this sense I am an anarchist advocating freedom for all to be fully themselves with the usual universal caveats: The Golden Rule plus “Do no Harm.”

The cream, in the milk of life, rises to the top.

Really?

I see it otherwise. Since I sense we are all cream; but lazy, inattentive, and lulled into a fatal trust that someone is going to do well for/by us. Like my sense of God, who I sometimes variously call the interlocutor, Mikey, friend, parent, lover, etc. I cannot know completely myself any more than I can know another.

"Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman—a rope over an abyss ... What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal." - Nietzsche

Discovered this date, this place, this time. Key to unlocking the mystery of my astonishing dream.

Life is a process about, and for which, we all are participants. None more noble than another. Yet in time, history is littered with martyrs who’s witness was unconventional and inconvenient; later to be celebrated—marginally—as better than what followed . . . how can a person claim ownership to that which is freely given? The list is long though small compared to the rulers of our lives. Who, if I am forced to judge, are successful only for themselves, while preaching Public Service.

I have been informed that NSA is not the problem but the Merchant Princes, who would be Emperors, are. Greed and usury abound. While mercy, forgiveness and kindness are lost in the process. We are known objects (actually unknowable) subject to controls by people who sense everything though thought: thinking is only one way of knowing God, Good, or people. My sense here is that we are known about—but not as a value—unique. Cynically.

In a sense what, and why, I write is in protest against being object/subject—slave—to anyone or thing. Did I just answer my curiosity: why the meek shall inherit the earth? I think so. Since what I know of the interlocutor is humility. While those who rule currently are masters of instilling fear.

I will not be the same tomorrow, any more than I am the same as I was yesterday. I grow.

"Tomorrow! - Why, tomorrow I may be Myself with yesterday's sev'n thousand years." - Omar Khayyam

Be yourself, not what you are told to be, or defined by greed and usury. Together we can form a world in which love is possible and absent addiction.

“Money is human happiness in the abstract; he, then, who is no longer capable of enjoying human happiness in the concrete devotes himself utterly to money.” - Arthur Schopenhauer

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." - Henry David Thoreau

130612 MDT 04:17 interjection

© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved

snow globe

If you’re very quiet, listening close, you can hear the snow fall sounding like the stroking of a cat’s fur. Then a purring like sound coming up out of your soul. For me it was either that or going completely mad with ennui. Instead I’d turn to the right or left and talk to the fellow travelers to the internment camps selected for death or slave labor where it stops. The snow finding new groves, slides, drifts and piles. 

Somewhere back, long ago, I thought I had to special but from the get go was told otherwise: I was “just a grain of sand upon a beach” extending continent wide, a desert. But then I’ve found, if you look real close, grains of sand are like snow flakes all different singing different songs and psalms. Seems like to me that I seek what is unique in others, those who are naked of ear buds faces turned in worship to empty picture frames. The many who now seem lost attempting to escape reality.

And of those who respond I never forget their being what they are; alive. On the conveyer belt from birth to death crossing eternity with me. Doesn’t matter: check out lines, wait staff, bus stops, train or plane stations. Some know they’re there and going somewhere while others while away their lives listening to Big Brother Speak. . . .Rats eating their eyes first, then their minds. 

So. No. I didn’t go berserk — postal or rampage this time, but I always wonder why I don’t afterward. There seems to me a food chain issue implied sheep, cattle, turkeys, people all the same led to slaughter for The Man’s Ideal Bottom Line: profit or pleasure.

Oddly the issues become clearer, more sharply defined, day-by-day, no matter where I go. Realizing it is possible, albeit difficult, but not impossible to grow your soul in our times. Alone is okay, but in community it makes a difference to those who otherwise remain oblivious to themselves. Their being unique, special, precious, simply okay as they are either way. 

It seems the flow continues here as well at there. The concerns are met with answers, absent confusion; priorities apparent, clean and clear sans regrets. Standing perfectly still the process continues with those friends, lovers and strangers all more boldly embossed upon the prayer wheel of my mind.

The most amusing aspect of the process is my perceptions being eroded, peeled, worn away. A Bonfire of the Vanities so to say. Leaving no smoke, or mirrors, no bells and smells; just truth drilling into my consciousness and all is well becoming better day-by-day; clearer, cleaner, more nearly/dearly. 

Always curious why a person — myself for example — would call a halt to it all taking my life; ending it?

I am not these thoughts, those feelings, the items of my life’s furnishings. Nor the tools I may give away, or merely walk away from, for it is this consciousness that I retain knowing it will never end. Why? Because it is not mine alone. It belongs to the source, The Presence, the one who talks to me in my dreams and waking hours ordinary every day. 

What is heaven if not present? Able to grow, expand, embrace, incorporate and lend to those lost in ownership while being merely tenant upon/within this time and place. First and last things are twins twined in real time. One thing closes another opens and there is wonder absent conditional/magical thinking life. 

Typical of me: I check to see what the fleece of Gideon has to say via quotes; the collective wisdom of many passed down, well worn, through history. Then clubbed senseless, momentarily, to realize this post is about growing a personality in the flow of time and humanity.

I have always been inherently a clown attempting to make others laugh; beginning with mom. To lend a smile, or at the least a twinkle in her eyes. Sadly what I once saw as anger was actually terror; thinly veiled anxiety — that she would never measure up to her genius and be acknowledged for it. In my sense of her, finely resolved, it was not that she took herself seriously but was endlessly seeking affirmation of her inherent wealth. Immeasurable. Actually. But only in retrospect acknowledged and applauded. 

At that, she was a great fencing master, a teacher of great import. I don’t know what saved me at the various times when death was near by coincidence or choice. And for now I realize that courage is to live despite all the suffering I’ve known for this now joy everlasting . . . and heaven is: a place of farther learning not, idle oblivion. To know yourself is to know heaven now.

Lacking any formal education, I prize everything I can learn. And it is my childish, simpleton’s way of asking the presence to be real, absent all the formal institutional definitions available to me, you, or us. 

I will close here with a reminder that we cannot expect Mikey to do it for us. Nor can we elect or blindly follow any pretend Mikeys to be the solution. My sense is that if we allow the ‘powers’ that be to do that exclusive of our attention we will find ourselves in cattle cars going to Auschwitz: death in the showers, buried alive in slavery. 

Either participate in your life or be a victim of your indifference.

130610 MDT 22:15 snow globe
© 2013 by Jack Spratt—All Rights Reserved